This shall be slightly short and sweet, I hope at least as it's a bit late for me. But, there are a few things rattling the old grey cells tonight.
Sometimes I look at myself and I wonder how many people might I be. I'm not saying that I am bi-polar with a split personality, but that the different facets of who I am seem to come out in different situations. For example, last night I went to see Matthew Bourne's Swan Lake. My demeanor was definitely different from the person you would see behind the counter when I'm at work. And oddly, depending on who I am talking to, I seem to find myself becoming a chameleon to some degree. Put me in a room with 10 people from the Bronx, and quiet possibly I'll find myself acting just like them by an hours time. I've wondered if it's a coping mechanism, or is it just too many years in the theatre. I don't have a good answer for that one. I do know this though....
On a cosmic level of things, all things considered, I find myself talking to people differently depending on who it it. I try to find that common ground if you will, and if it means that it pulls a different part of me out, well...I think it actually makes me a better me. Some of my friends I am down right raunchy with. When I'm with the fam, there is no shame. I say some things that even I could blush at in retrospect. And does this mean that I am a "battery" of sorts? Can you actually pull on the energies of other people and ingratiate them into your being? And what happens when you're done? This is why some times things hit me harder than expected I guess.
The Pet Shop Boys have a song called "Too Many People" where they say, "I sometimes feel like I'm too many people at once." Well brothers and sisters, I can definitely relate. And I look on it as a blessing sometimes. I know that there's the goth side of me, the hippy side of me, the serious artist side of me, and probably more that I haven't ever explored really. It does get a bit tiring when it comes to work though because I feel like I have to be what the customers have come to want and expect. Funny that an actor finds himself wanting to simply be himself and then wondering which "himself" he really is from moment to moment.
Swan Lake last night just proved something to me and really seemed to kick this off in my head though. I wanted to be up there doing exactly what they were doing. When I saw the male chorus of swans dancing last night, I knew that I wanted to be dancing that way. I knew that I still want to give that energy that is perpetually trapped inside of me an outlet and to express myself through it. I've often thought about taking up painting again although I'm not very good at it, or trying to form a band because I can sing and sort of play the guitar, or write more although I'm very lazy with it. Why? Because the battery is full. I'm almost afraid that there is no where else to put more, and I'm finding few places to expel that force inside that says "Show them what you got. Show them the raw you." which is how I sometimes view performing.
D and I had a great time last night though. We were both amazed, dazzled, and I for one was in complete and rapt awe of the production. And it's nice to just spend time with someone who knows you so well that things don't need to be spoken at times. I miss both actually. I miss seeing amazing performances, and being with people where I am simply me. I know I'm spending too much time alone here in my little studio, and it's time to go find life again...but in truth I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid I'll fail. I'm afraid of being laughed at. I'm afraid that I'll simply wander around this life and get to the end and find I had done nothing for the world. In short, I'm afraid of being forgotten and common just like everyone else. More fuel to the fire I have to make sure that everyone knows how much they contribute to the world.
I still dream of my own Swan, where ever he is. I dream of a world with more peace in it. I dream of everyone being dealt with fairly. In my heart I know it's possible, but I wish I knew how to make it a reality. Maybe it's simply time to try and tap the cosmos once again in a mighty way and release some energy to make good happen? Nice thought, but I think easier said than done tonight.
Be well my friends. Be safe. Be happy. Be loved.
4 comments:
I'm really thankful for the person you are to me, Michael... Last night, when we were talking on the phone and I told you about my current dilemma as well as the insane conspiracy by two people to try to make me look like an asshole, it made me thankful you're a great friend of mine. Thanks for listening and being there. xo
You definitely have the soul of a writer/actor/artist. The way you express thoughts & feelings always amazes me...wish I were a little better at that.
As for me, I'm prertty much the same boring person all the time. :)
I've joked on occasion, "I have 27 separate personalities, unfortunately, they're all the same."
Intense post. I am the same way and I think it's good to be adaptable, a chamelion, as you said. I am. I have a 100 personalities, all a reflection of me, where I've been and who I've become. That's all it is, you are constantly evolving. But it is interesting that you, like myself, tend to pick up ie the bronx thing cause I've done that type of thing. I'll be talking to a bunch of people from Ireland, for example and the next thing ya know, you can't tell me from them. It is a coping mechanism but I don't think everybody has it. I quite like to think of it as a gift, the art of the chamelion!
Intense post. I am the same way and I think it's good to be adaptable, a chamelion, as you said. I am. I have a 100 personalities, all a reflection of me, where I've been and who I've become. That's all it is, you are constantly evolving. But it is interesting that you, like myself, tend to pick up ie the bronx thing cause I've done that type of thing. I'll be talking to a bunch of people from Ireland, for example and the next thing ya know, you can't tell me from them. It is a coping mechanism but I don't think everybody has it. I quite like to think of it as a gift, the art of the chamelion!
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