Jeezo...philosophic stuff ahead

I feel like I talk a lot about fluffy stuff on here. Sometimes I hit y'all with some deep shit that's rattling around in my head though. I read a lot of people's sites and for the most part, there is some kind of content there other than, "I did this today" type stuff. Just feeling a bit too vacuous lately in what I've been writing I guess,but that's what's been going on for me. My brain is sometimes like a giant vacume where all the interesting deep thoughts are buried by the stupid stuff that goes on day to day in life.


I was actually thinking about this tonight among other things. How it is that on the weekend, specifically Friday nights when I know I don't have to go to work, my brain calms down enough for me to think better. Now tomorrow, I'll be thinking about nothing and just relaxing, or maybe I'll be thinking even harder about some of this stuff. Fact is that I'm having trouble reconciling my inner world sometimes with the outter world. It's like the world invades my brain and all of the sudden I'm thinking about bills, and taking care of my friends, and what movie do I want to watch and blah blah blah. Then when things finally calm down I find myself realizing I haven't been thinking at all really...just working on what I have do to get by in the world.


K is a good example actually. If ya go back a couple of post, I was massively focussed on the idea of finding a way to spread peace. Then K shows up and it's like the world came and invaded. I realized when I was driving tonight I haven't been working on a project I gave myself to maybe actualize. I know that I'm not the one that is going to bring peace to the entire world, but I can definately do my part ya know? I can try my best to make that happen. Well, K made me realize that I get lost in this world and that it's really hard for me to separate myself and think about two things at once right now. Fact being that K said he was married. That means that I should by all technicalities forget about romance with him....but I'm a helpless romantic and I can't. My day dreams force the bigger issues out and I'm feeling like I'm coming up a little short lately in being the person I want to be.


See, I have a Superman complex. I think I have had it for quite a while actually. When I worked for the theatre, I was; resident sound designer, makeup designer, actor, technical director, stage carpenter, and even director for some of our one acts. That's a lot to put on someone's plate at times but I always made sure that everything was taken care of even if I wasn't. I'd step up to the plate if someone dropped out of a show, or if they needed someone to fill in. I'd be up in the booth to run lights or sound if needed. I pretty much lived at that place for 10 years of my life before I had finally had enough. After 10 years I met someone and started having what I thought was a life. Now, I find myself sort of doing the same Superman thing all over again at the shop. I'm in there twice a day during the week most of the time, sometimes just checking in to make sure things are running smoothly. I order everything except for our green beans. I can sometimes be found there on the weekend hanging out and slipping in behind the counter if they need help. So where do I fit into this equation? Where is the "me" in all of this? Well I just don't know.


This whole post is going in an odd direction from where I started it to go. I was going to talk about how hard religion can be on a person because I see a lot of folks writing about it. I'm not jumpin on the band wagon persey, it's just that I'm not a Christian and therefore, I sometimes feel that it's actually harder to get by religiously. Let me explain. If you were a Jewish person, or a Hindu, Musslim, Sihk, Christian, you have an identity that the world can look to and know what you're about. When you're a pagan, you sometimes get ridiculed for your beliefs. Now, my beliefs are just as valid as anyone elses because religion is about how you relate to the Ultimate Powers. (I'm purposely not using God or Goddess here) It hit me a while back again that whether you call to God, Allah, Ra (my personal male diety)...it doesn't matter. Why? Because God is God is God no matter what name you may have for it/him/her/them.


When I started on my religious path, it was all about the magik and spells. Well, my path took an interesting turn when I started learning about Buddhism. Then I started seeing how Christianity offers a lot of what I believe in too. It's all about the concept of how you want the world to be, and how you want to treat people, and how you want to live your life. Now, I'm a mutt, using ideology from a lot of different sources. I do still believe in magik. I believe in the Fey, the Sidhe, Ghosts, all of that. Now my basical question is, why would someone else laugh at me for this? Well, because none of the major religions teach about these things. Therefore to a lot of these people, it's stupid childish silliness. Of course they want me to belive that Jesus was God's son and if I don't accept him I'll go to hell? Or that if I dont follow Allah then I am a heathen and should die? Um...my ideas of my religion actually never taught that sort of thing. I have nothing against any other religion but I'm feeling oddly out of place again lately because while I can relate to the teachings and ideas, I can't relate to the actual religion. (does that make sense?)


Ok, sorry for the big mental babble here. I guess my point is that, I think it's time that we as a species (not even just a race but a species) need to realize that all that the Universe wants from us it to be good people. God, or whatever you want to call what you worship, has always been one of LOVE. (Hello...I doubt that Jesus ever said "Oh those nasty homosexuals". I think he would have accepted then reguardless because that seems to be his message) So, maybe we should take the time and try and see another religion's point of view? Study a different one for a while and I'm willing to bet you'll wind up seeing similarities you never knew existed. Ok...enough. It's late and I need to unwind my mind here.


"I'll let you be in my dream if I can be in yours." - Bob Dylan

Be well. Be happy. Be loved!