Just not feeling it lately

I had a post on Friday, but I took it down. Another reminder that blogging when your tired is quite possibly a bad idea. Although, I liked the concept of what I had posted which was a selection of pictures that I had hoped would create a storyline. Not sure if it would actually float, and then I thought it was stupid to Saturday morning I took it down. Maybe I'll try it again later, I don't know.

I'll admit that I have been in a funk lately. The past work week what with painting, the Tony Monaco concert on Thursday night, a coworker that was over and hour late on Thursday morning, ... well there ya go. Not to mention I just want to get past this damn birthday thing and have it over and done with. Bloody hell, people have them every friggin day ya know? I just don't want this one for some reason. Maybe it's the whole age thing. Maybe it's that I keep thinking back to ten years ago when my dad was diing and what a horrible day that was for me. I don't know. The past does seem to slip in to my head a lot lately though and that's rather disconcerting for me. While I should be thinking about the future, all I can see is what's gone from me.

Part of me just wants to run away, hide in the woods somewhere, forget that society exists ya know? D & H are talking about moving away sometime after they have the baby. They said it was more like a little dream at the moment but I honestly don't know what I would do if they were gone. I may not see them that often, and probably once the baby is here it's gonna be harder for them to go out, but at least they're still here. And ya know what? At this point censoring myself be damned because D is the only man that I have felt like I truly fell in love with. It took me a long time to deal with that, but I love him very deeply and it would wreck me to see them move away. While I do love H as well, and she's be an amazing friend, I think that she always knew/knows that I will forever love D with all my heart. I don't give a shit if he's straight, and now soon to be a father. It's not his body I want. (Although I wouldn't mind) It's just the fact that, for whatever reasonings, he's been the only guy for me. Doesn't mean I wouldn't like a boyfriend, but they'd have to realize what I feel for D and not be threatened by it.

As as to me having that birthday thing? Well, who cares. I know that one of my friends that reads this is going to ream me possibly. I told her to cancel a party that she was going to throw for me. Why? Honestly, the more I thought about it, the more I just don't know if I'm in the mood to be around a lot of people that I used to know from my theatre days. They are nice folks, don't get me wrong. I've just been out of touch with most of them for so long that it just has started feeling wierd and making me feel really old. I just don't think that right now I could deal with that. Sweet as the sentiment is, I don't need a lot of people showing up that I used to know who I don't even know if I'll connect with anymore. Not sure if anyone else has had that sort of problem, but there you go. Hell, I'm not even sure if I'm going to be writing this week. It's like having a fucking operation and I just want it over and done with, but like anything, I have to wait.

There has been some good in all this blackness that seems to hang over my head lately. Ikea had my shelving units in stock. May not sound like much but it's already helped me out a lot in terms of space here in the studio. Now it's all about shuffling things around and re-organising and hopefully coming up with more space. My little brother Ryan had his birthday. Hope it was a good one. I'm pretty sure it must have been though knowing where he was and who he was with. And the nicest surprise was held in reserve for a low point just like this. My buddy Jim is back to writing. That one little thing made my night, knowing that now I can at least see how he's doing regularly. He's an amazing guy that rocks my world. I'm just glad to see my buddy back now. Made me smile.

Maybe I do just need to go and wander around in the woods for a while. Get away from all this concrete and consumerism. I've been thinking about that a lot, the going for a hike somewhere that has actually nature. Just spending a little time out there with no one around but me and trees and my Goddess and God. Hell, I may even take a sketch book with me although I draw for shit. Just something ya know? Some way to reconnect with the Universe instead of feeling so isolated from it. We'll see. Now though, it's time to woof down dinner and get ready for bed so the work can start again...

And the world just keeps on turning.