One day more

I awoke this morning to the clock saying it was 3:45am. Typical actually. I usually turn off that alarm and go back to sleep for a while. (i have three that go off) Somehow, I managed to wake up enough to turn one off, switch the other to the radio and when my eyes opened again it was 5:45am. I open the store at 6:30 and usually am there by 5:30 so....i was late. That was how my day started.

I hate being late. I dislike being late to a movie and missing the previews (which are part of the movie going experience if you ask me). I will NOT be late to theatre. There is no way I am going to sit out in the lobby listening to the first act! And I hate being late to work. I need that hour's time to set things up, brew things up, and have my own cup of coffee and smoke before I open the doors to the people I try to look happy for. Rushing is not a good thing. It puts stress on me personally. I dislike stress and there's enough of that at the shop to begin with.

So ... and y'all know there's a point to all of this. Today was slightly from hell and my emotions need to have a round-up lately. Ben came in. I started talking to him about this film and found out that he attended Stanford in the film/media school. Then of course when I said I wanted a chance to audition if possible, he replied that there weren't any parts for me. Strike one at the heart. He had written it with specific folks in mind. Strike two for some unkown reason to me. He wasn't mean about it in any way shape or form, but the already stressed out Michael felt like it was a personal blow to the ego. Strike three and the emotions are out the door and running.

I didn't lie when I said that I don't cry. Well all of the sudden I'm feeling friggin tears welling up behind my eyes and I start feeling like a pathetic fool. It was as if someone had just slammed the door that had opened to Ben in my face. The day went on. I yelled at my coworker twice because every little thing was now sizzling my synapses. He was just being his normal self but dammit...I was sick of him singing his guitar riffs because I needed at that point to hear the music I had put in. Music is a big part of my life, and like my friends, without it I would pretty much wither and die. Then later when he complained about "hating to work with A" for the 10,000,000,000th time I lost it. I yelled again and I'm sure I looked like a lunatic. Now I'm embarassed to go in tomorrow morning.

I feel latley like I'm walking on egg shells around myself. I don't understand where these emotional outbursts are coming from and that bothers me. Don't tell me it's part of being human please. I know we all have emotions but damn. The fact is, I usually have a good control over my emotions, and usually can handle anything from employees who are bleeding from cutting themselves, to my own depressions. I know that not being able to actually eat anything until around 1pm today wasn't helping. But there was always something to do since my coworker decided to run his mouth more than work. And even that comment isn't fair to him. People should be able to talk to customers at work, and he was working, don't get me wrong. Just felt that the brunt of it all was on my shoulders and he's getting on my last tit anyways. (and I won't go into the latest from fucking Pat Roberts...ya know Pat...I betcha your gonna get a BIG surprise when you finally do meet God!)

This alas is yet another case of my bitching about things I need to get over. I agree with Spencer. I need to fix these things but unfortunately I don't know how yet. I think I lost that little manual that came with this lifetime. Tried finding something similar, but all I tend to do is remember stuff for a while and then I get lost in the world again. That's why I tend to run into my little cave here and just retreat until I can safely come out.

It works a little something like this for me. I have these "major" issues. I don't know how to deal with them. I freak a bit. I get depressed perhaps or just majorly aggrivated that I can't make my life work properly. I go into hiding where in watching tons of movies, listening to music, playing videogames...I feel my brain processes behind the scenes, and while I don't know if I come up with the answers to these issues, I know somewhere that they are being resolved and catagorized for future reference. Of course, this means that I tend to not talk to anyone but damn man, it's the only way I know of getting through sometimes. Besides, HE that I owe the story about told me that no one wants to be around people that are depressed all the time. Ergo, when I get into these moods, I retreat.

Sorry that this is so long and maybe depressive or angry or whatever it is. I just felt like venting my spleen so maybe it would all be out of my system. I do want to say thank ya to M'lady and the red hot Persian Guy for your comments yesterday. While I may take a while to get myself back to a better mental state....what you said really helped.

So, to Tats....Kiss my Bippy! (if ya don't know what a bippy is you need to watch Laugh-In on dvd). To Randy who keeps turning up with the worst possible timing...bugger off! (although I thankfully know he doesn't know about this site). And to Ben? I only wish that you would stay away from the shop for a week. Let me forget about you. Let me forget these stupid human feelings I have. Stop being so damn perfect in what I'm looking for. I'd say I hated you but we'd both know that was a bold faced lie. I only wish that I was what you were looking for.