It's almost time

MARK
There Is No Future - There Is No Past

ROGER
Thank God This Moment's Not The Last

MIMI & ROGER
There's Only Us
There's Only This
Forget Regret Or Life Is Yours To Miss

ALL
No Other Road No Other Way
No Day But Today

WOMEN - MEN
I Can't Control - Will I Lose My Dignity
My Destiny - Will Someone Care
I Trust My Soul - Will I Wake Tomorrow
My Only Goal - From
Is Just To Be - This Nightmare
Without You - There's Only
The Hand Gropes - Now... There's Only
The Ear Hears - Here... Give In To
The Pulse Beats - Love... Or Live In
Life Goes On - Fear... No Other
But I'm Gone - Path... No Other
Cause I Die - Way... No Day
Without You - But Today
I Die Without You - No Day But Today
I Die Without You - No Day But Today
I Die Without You - No Day But Today
I Die Without You - No Day But Today
I Die Without You - No Day But Today

ALL
No Day But Today

I have no idea how to upload/post a song here so you can here what this sounds like but it's from RENT, probably my favourite musical. I like the words a lot. No Day But Today! Yeah babies. Ain't it the truth? And more so within the next 7 minutes to me.

By the time someone reads this, just about anyone, it will be my birthday. Yup, it arrived with little to no fanfair which is sort of what I wanted. I did get to have a lovely dinner and visit with my friends the Bs. And yes, I got my first birthday presents. I'll probably take some pictures and post them later. It's pretty late for me now, but the coffee from the shop is working relatively ok at the moment but it's hotter than hades here right now....and it's night!

Got a call from the illustrious Rey tonight as well with well wishes of a Happy Birthday since we're 3 hours apart time wise, it was my birthday there before it was my birthday here. Hm..does that make sense? I think it's getting time to go to bed here hehe.

So ya know what babies, I don't know what the next 40 years have instore for me. Fame? The love of my life? More of the same as it's been for the past 40 years? Who knows. I'm sort of thinking that it's take it as it comes and do with it the best you can. What else can you do?

3 minutes and counting. Silly to say but I'm planning on going to bed soon after midnight my time to dream a little dream. Dream of what I want to happen for me in the years to come, and make it come true. No day but today. Yea :) No day but today babies.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

QUICK UPDATE AT 12:53 on July 23rd

Oh babies...what a day, what a night and what a great birthday! Thank you all so much for the comments. Y'all know how to make a young spring flower like myself just blooooom away hehe.

This is my new pet. His name is Sherbert. Why? Don't remember (no there was no drinking), but it came about when talking with the fam post dinner tonight. He's a wee froggy lad (I think...maybe he's a she!). He is SO damn cute though I had to post these. The first one is the close up, then the perspectice shot so you can see my messy desk and how little this bugger is!

BIG hugs and kisses to you all!

Oh Joy

What time is it childrens? PICTURE TIME! That's right it's the picture portion of our show here. The news will follow but for now....On with the show!

My co-worker just returned from Italy with a couple of prezzies for me that I wasn't expecting. One I was, the other I wasn't. The first was this tasty treat that tantilizes the tonsils and tongue! Not to be found in America yet, I give you, the Paprika Pringles! (and boy howdy are they good!)

Not to be outdone by some Pringles, she also brought back this flag for me (and one for my lesbian co-worker). Anyone speak Italian? If not, the word on the flag is pronounced Pa-Chay. What does it mean? Peace. My friends know me pretty damn well, and now I have to find a place to fly/display it.


So my garden, for those that follow that I love my flowers, has had some great Gladiolis but they are starting to die off now. You have to catch them at the right time because they only bloom for around a week. There were White ones,
and the last of them is a lovely purple color that will probably last me until the end of next week if I'm lucky. Those were the first and here are my last for the season.

But some of my favourites (yes I spell both Britishly and Phonetically) are my Heliotropes. These little guys smell so amazing that I have actually tracked down a place that I can order essential oil of Heliotrope to try and make some soap with.

And that's my garden and what's currently blooming. There are two rosebuds that I'm watching with baited breath for the time that they open. Now who the hell couldn't love having stuff like this around them? I'd take more pictures but I'm afraid that things are either not blooming at the moment or languishing in the heat lately. Besides, my Blue Bonnets (for all them Texans out there I did find some seeds for them and they are coming up) haven't bloomed yet but damn I'm excited for when they do.

Well now that I have had my excitement for the evening...seeing as I had my door open a rat had decided that he wanted to come in and say hello...ok...mental note to find some way to take care of that problem without harming the mouse/rat/whatever the damn critter was...

Today was D's birthday and I just got back from spending a little time over there with them. It looks like H is going to have the baby pretty dern soon. I know that she's happy about this because she said that she wants to be able to "eat like a normal person again". And sometimes she lovingly says to her stomach "out....out...out.." I can't believe that he'll be here soon. Much happiness!

The hot guy didn't return bearing T-shirt and bare chest unfortunately. And oddly enough, the other hot guy wasn't the one at the Burrito place last night. (although I'd like to sample his Hawian burrito!) And that brings us to tomorrow....D-Day. The last day of my existance. OH weep for me! (lamentations....lamentations....lamentations) That's right, tomorrow is the day before my birthday. This year it was a bit rough on me but I'm starting to feel good about it finally. The world isn't ending (although I have noticed that everyone has started looking younger), and I'm thinking that tonight is the night to repaint my fingernails because I used to paint them black....so tonight if I do it, it's Silver babies.

And I realize I don't often comment on the comments that people leave in my comment ..er...place. hehe But I wanted to and I figured now was as good a time as any right? So,

Jon....YOU are the one that is amazing doing what you do! Making artwork out of what people would normally consider trash is truly wonderous! Thank you for all the kinds words you give me. Ya always make me feel like a million bucks!

Brad...sugar I think that in some ways we are two peas in a pod (well three if ya count Justin in there too). You're way too sweet and I love ya too bubba :)

Jeff Jeff Jeff....all that dreaming of the Mighty Oaks...(I lost your digits cause of a snafu with my email). All ya gotsa do is go outside and look up at the night sky and say "HEY! Knock it off already!" Oddly enough, it somehow tends to help ;)

Six....well of course I love it when the flirt back! hehe...Hm...seems that one of them already flirted back by commenting about people flirting back ;)

Sevensoft...well ya know I gotsa be intregued by the idea of what you tat must look like! And a fellow Texan as well?!? (not to mention a cuty) I'm cursious as a possum how you found my site, but ya better believe that I'll be peakin in on yours from now on. (show us the tat!!!!)

Stuckingfupid...ya know I love writing that actually. What a friggin hoot man! I was over reading your site and I'd love working among all those books....just not Mr. Peacock and perhaps he needs to be sent into the 616.024 section? (at least at our local library) How'd you manage to stumble across this site as well? Always curious. Ya crack me up man.

And that's about it today. In the need to eat and get ready for bed. Tomorrow being Friday, I'm not sure what's instore for me in the evening. I thought about a lot of things from the possibility of looking into my first (and probably only) tattoo to just playing videogames, to calling up friends and saying let's go have dinner tonight cause I can't tomorrow. At any rate, life seems back to normal-ish. So hang in there groove-niks. Life's got a way of bantering us around like we're all in a rollercoaster car, but babies, this ride ain't always that bad.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

Maybe it's the weather... hmmmmmm

Grey skies are gonna clear up....put on a

Sorry....you caught me singing to myself again (and if I knew how to do it I would have posted it). Yup, I sing to myself. I do it in the car singing along with Cds, at home singing along to music here, in the shower, where ever. Singing is an emotional release sometimes. You can sing the blues, the torch songs, sing out righteous anger, or just him a little ditty cause you're feeling pretty ok.

So I don't know if it was cause I threatened to kick the collective asses of any negativity or what, but today was pretty ok all around. I finally feel more like myself and not all moody. It was slower than than grandpa trying to get an erection at work today. I mean DEAD! First time in years I walked out after work wondering if I had actually helped anyone. Wierdsville babies...wierdsville. And the day kept sort of getting better.

I got home to an email that made me realize what a putz I had been lately, and will have a lovely dinner with the fam on Saturday afternoon. Fuck presents, I just want to hang with my family.

Then as I went out to buy D's birthday cake (a little one for about 4 folks but it's gonna rock I tell ya!), I went to the shop to take care of my orders. There he was. Who was he? Hell if I know but there was a gorgeous face attached to an "Itchy and Scratchy" T-shirt underneath it. I asked him where it came from and he said that a friend had sent it to him thinking it was his. He looked at my Java Boy's T-shirt (for those in Florida maybe ya knows the place) and said, "I'd trade ya mine for yours." Well hell's bells kittens, I would have paid good money to just have him take his off right there! (and give me his phone number) But I joked and said that he probably wouldn't want it right now cause where I had been had been hot. He said, "No doubt" with a smile. Then, as I looked out our big windows, I saw him turn and look back inside. Was he looking at me? Who knows but I took that moment nonetheless. Now let's hope that he comes in again.

And the hits kept coming. Going over to pay H the money for the car I'm buying off her, I had a nice little visit with her. I realized I don't get to hang out with just her very often. Usually it's D and H ya know? Well babies...that woman is ready to pop let me tell you. They're going tomorrow to do the check up thing and hopefully we'll know better when she's gonna birthdicate.

So I drop by my local burrito joint and it's packed. I thought, "Aw shit..." but there was a couple of new employees there and one with a great smile and nice sleeve work on his arms. Yup...tats. I love em. Even still considering one on me but I digress. The guy that helps me looks at me and says, "Hey! Now you're in MY shop!" and after I get home I realize that it's the hot hot HOT guy that I lust after every morning! He's usually really quiet, and I always smile cause...well he's a hottie man. Blow my mind completely but he gave me the burrito for free! Talk about what the power of kindness to strangers can do huh? And babies, you better believe he's getting mondospectacular service tomorrow (and free coffee damn it!)!

With all this swirling around my little pea brain, it just goes to show that bad stuff happens, depressions come, but every now and then the Universe kicks it up a notch for ya in a good way. And tomorrow? Who the hell knows, but for now I got a tasty dinner cooling off slightly, good movies to watch, family and friends that I adore and who care about me as well...and even that old devil on Saturday doesn't seem to full of gloom.

Y'all all better belive that there's a ton of love bein sent out to each and every one of you tonight. Hugs are included free of charge. And maybe even a little kiss to go along with em if ya want it. (the cigs are mine though but if you ask nicely I'm sure I'll share...Jetboy heheh)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

Thought the fighting was overseas

WTF?! Did I piss in someone's post toasties lately? I swear if it's not one thing it's another (with all due respect to Gilda who I loved).

It wasn't work today. That went well. Granted, no one was tipping and I had planned on using that money to pay for my laundry but hey...whatever right? I get to the video store all excited to see Final Destination 3 (don't ask but I've seen the other two) and it comes out next week. So I settle on a movie that turned out to be pretty ok albeit pretty odd when you started thinking about it called Subject Two. I was all prepared to just come home, watch the vid and relax...here is where twist begins.

On one side of my studio is an older Chinese couple. They seems to have volume issues. What I mean is that their Tv is usually louder than anyone elses, same for when they are on the phone...and this afternoon? I come home to them fighting. She in full throated voice screaming at her husband who maybe got in a sentence or two, but I'm talking full on screaming..and in Chinese no less so I have no idea what the fuck is going on. This goes on for probably thirty minutes before the white trash neighbor at the end of my little complex (who can be heard yelling at his girlfriend/wife/whatever in language from both that would make a sailor blush) yell at them to quiet down. WHAT?! Like this guy has any room to say shit what with what I hear from them! Finally, after what seemed twenty more minutes of screaming and yelling in Chinese as I try and watch my movie...it's suddenly quiet. Definately not what I needed this afternoon let me tell you.

If I knew that I could easily learn Chinese (although from what I know it is actually a pretty complex language that also deals with inflections to change the meaning of words), I would learn it just to know what the hell they're always yelling about. I have nothing against them other than why the hell can't I have peace and quiet? The more I am here at "home" the more I have started wanting to be living somewhere else. The neighbor on the otherside is the one that tried to open my studio thinking it was his place when he was drunk a few weeks back. I mean when I moved in here it was quiet and nice and peaceful. Swear if I had the money I'd seriously consider moving although I like the ability to garden here.

I know that this week isn't trying to kill me or make me go insane, but it's been off to a really rough start and I'm hereby telling it to stop forthwith or I'm going to kick it in the balls.

And how were your days?


Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Just not feeling it lately

I had a post on Friday, but I took it down. Another reminder that blogging when your tired is quite possibly a bad idea. Although, I liked the concept of what I had posted which was a selection of pictures that I had hoped would create a storyline. Not sure if it would actually float, and then I thought it was stupid to Saturday morning I took it down. Maybe I'll try it again later, I don't know.

I'll admit that I have been in a funk lately. The past work week what with painting, the Tony Monaco concert on Thursday night, a coworker that was over and hour late on Thursday morning, ... well there ya go. Not to mention I just want to get past this damn birthday thing and have it over and done with. Bloody hell, people have them every friggin day ya know? I just don't want this one for some reason. Maybe it's the whole age thing. Maybe it's that I keep thinking back to ten years ago when my dad was diing and what a horrible day that was for me. I don't know. The past does seem to slip in to my head a lot lately though and that's rather disconcerting for me. While I should be thinking about the future, all I can see is what's gone from me.

Part of me just wants to run away, hide in the woods somewhere, forget that society exists ya know? D & H are talking about moving away sometime after they have the baby. They said it was more like a little dream at the moment but I honestly don't know what I would do if they were gone. I may not see them that often, and probably once the baby is here it's gonna be harder for them to go out, but at least they're still here. And ya know what? At this point censoring myself be damned because D is the only man that I have felt like I truly fell in love with. It took me a long time to deal with that, but I love him very deeply and it would wreck me to see them move away. While I do love H as well, and she's be an amazing friend, I think that she always knew/knows that I will forever love D with all my heart. I don't give a shit if he's straight, and now soon to be a father. It's not his body I want. (Although I wouldn't mind) It's just the fact that, for whatever reasonings, he's been the only guy for me. Doesn't mean I wouldn't like a boyfriend, but they'd have to realize what I feel for D and not be threatened by it.

As as to me having that birthday thing? Well, who cares. I know that one of my friends that reads this is going to ream me possibly. I told her to cancel a party that she was going to throw for me. Why? Honestly, the more I thought about it, the more I just don't know if I'm in the mood to be around a lot of people that I used to know from my theatre days. They are nice folks, don't get me wrong. I've just been out of touch with most of them for so long that it just has started feeling wierd and making me feel really old. I just don't think that right now I could deal with that. Sweet as the sentiment is, I don't need a lot of people showing up that I used to know who I don't even know if I'll connect with anymore. Not sure if anyone else has had that sort of problem, but there you go. Hell, I'm not even sure if I'm going to be writing this week. It's like having a fucking operation and I just want it over and done with, but like anything, I have to wait.

There has been some good in all this blackness that seems to hang over my head lately. Ikea had my shelving units in stock. May not sound like much but it's already helped me out a lot in terms of space here in the studio. Now it's all about shuffling things around and re-organising and hopefully coming up with more space. My little brother Ryan had his birthday. Hope it was a good one. I'm pretty sure it must have been though knowing where he was and who he was with. And the nicest surprise was held in reserve for a low point just like this. My buddy Jim is back to writing. That one little thing made my night, knowing that now I can at least see how he's doing regularly. He's an amazing guy that rocks my world. I'm just glad to see my buddy back now. Made me smile.

Maybe I do just need to go and wander around in the woods for a while. Get away from all this concrete and consumerism. I've been thinking about that a lot, the going for a hike somewhere that has actually nature. Just spending a little time out there with no one around but me and trees and my Goddess and God. Hell, I may even take a sketch book with me although I draw for shit. Just something ya know? Some way to reconnect with the Universe instead of feeling so isolated from it. We'll see. Now though, it's time to woof down dinner and get ready for bed so the work can start again...

And the world just keeps on turning.

Weeeeeeenesssssday AaaaafterNooooon

I'm currently thinking of calling off the rest of the month and just jumping into August. Now, I'm not sure if I can actually do this, but damn y'all....lately I can't sleep well, I'm having wierd dreams again...and I could just get the hell through the rest of July in one fell swoop and breath easier.

In reading folks blogs lately, there's a lot of .. well I don't know what to call it other than it seems like there is some bad juju just generally floating around. Maybe it's these "lazy" (yeah right) days of summer? I don't know. I'm feelin all shagged out lately but I know after this week things will ease up a bit. Maybe then I can finally get around to doing those rituals I planned on. Hey, sending out good vibes and trying to work magik when you're tired just doesn't cut the mustard let me tell you! In short, I wish that my arms were big enough to wrap around the world lately and just squeeze everyone a little bit, myself included.

The birth of the little peanut (as I heard him referred to by D&H at some point) is getting closer. They're basically on baby watch hehe. It's amazing to me to think that in this short amount of time I have known them I have seen them both grow exponetially. I know that they're going to be amazing parents, and I get to dote and be an Uncle of sorts. Pretty exciting to me but I also know that I'll be seeing less of them for a while. Hell, I only live a few blocks away so you better believe that I'll be calling them to see if I can drop by and play with the little bugger.

So what's new in my life? Well...plans, and schemes, and dreams, but little of them getting accomplished yet. I'm just biding my time to get to a bit of time off. (there are a lot of folks that are taking time off the end of this month at work) I have this dream of taking say three days off and on the second day of not knowing what to do with myself, actually doing some writing I have put off. I tend to write in spurts, usually when my brain will allow, so it's slow going. And there is the wreck that is my studio that still needs a massive re-organization. Actually Spence asked why I don't do it on the weekends. Well hell's bells man! During the week I am at the shop usually twice a day and then find myself with a little free time at night. Weekends therefore become time for just chillin out.

Oh but I ramble. And I should know better than to try and blog after I get off work because I'm tired and I'm sure it's going to come out all goofy but...hey, that's my life to some degree. Now if I could just get a handle on this time issue and work it better. The calls I plan to make I suddenly find myself looking at a clock and realizing that it's waaaay too late to call folks. I guess I just need to get off my ass and push myself again, or more, or something hehe.

Ah hell...this afternoon though? I ain't going to push much of anything other than the play button on my dvd remote because ya know what? This little baby is tuckered. So....

Hm. Where did I put that copy of Latter Days? :)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Oo ack

So here I am sitting around thinking to myself, "where did the weekend go?" Another one lost to the realms of unkown. I swear I look forward to them and then I do little if nothing with them. Wierd huh? I could have used it to clean up here, or drive over to the ocean, or just ride my bike around but no...it just seemed to vanish.

I just got finished downloading some more Cat Stevens because I foolishly started watching Harold and Maude last night/this morning in hopes of drifting off but I got sucked into the movie. Every now and then I forget what a great singer/songwriter Cast Stevens is. Like I said, it's a lot to do with lyrics for me. Check out the lyrics to Don't Be Shy. It's the song that opens Harold and Maude. hell the whole soundtrack is brilliant. And there's something in his voice as well. It sounds desparate sometimes, longing, and then you hit something like If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out and this wierd sense of peace just washes over you. I miss me some Cat Stevens.

I am so not looking forward to the work week. I know that no one really does but, the moment it's here and I can't do anything about it, I know I'll be fine again. Then again, if I took a week off I doubt I would use it productively. Guess I'm just stuck in a rut again. Probably something to do with one co-worker going to Italy and one getting ready for her wedding. Yup....some folks at the cafe get to get away from there. I just feel so bloody stuck sometimes because I have no clue what I would do for a job if I went looking for one. Feel like all I was ever trained for really was theatre and that doesn't really pay the bills. Sure I could go back to building sets and try to get back into acting, but what about eating and having rent on time? Just don't know.

Ack....one week from this Saturday and I'm not ready for that either. Part of me wants to just go butt ass crazy and drive up to the city and get hammered...but that's not really me. Not to mention the idea of driving afterwards. When did I get so dull and boring? Where did my sense of adventure go? Hell, I used to go all over the North Bay area to raves only 6 years ago damnit! Scary to think about but have I "grown up"? Did I somehow become an "adult" without realizing it? I so desparately don't want to be like my parents. I watched my father do nothing but go to work and watch Tv. But, it's safe here in the studio, and comfortable and I can take off my pants if I want and run around in boxers. Maybe it's all the not playing videogames lately hehe. I just don't feel like the age I'm about to turn in basically two weeks. Le sigh.

Alright I've depressed everyone enough. I'm going to see if I can kick some asses in Kingdom Hearts. Hell, I may just pull out Midnight Club and race around the city like a maniac. I tell ya, videogames are definately therapudic at times. Think I just need to get over myself and do something...anything. Feh. Maybe I'll just go to bed.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be loved.

S -A- T- U- R -DAY Night!

Ah me. I think I have found a new addiction. Yes, I have found podcasts. Now I really wish I had an Ipod and I know not to expect one on my birthday but a guy can dream can't he? At any rate, yes, podcasts. Some of the guys I had met over the Pride weekend (and why do I feel I need to capitalize Pride? Hmm) have them there podcast which equates (to me) to having your own mini-radio show. Now, I have to either burn them to disc so I can listen to them easier or sit here with the computer speakers blaring. I would actually choose to listen to them...on an Ipod hehe.

Have to say, that while listening to four different people's shows, it's amazing how varied a show can be. It's almost like listening to a good public radio station ya know? And yes...I'm slightly jealous because I miss theatre and being creative. Sort of something fun (although I know it has to be a fair amount of work) to put out there. Some way to put out music I'm listening to, come up with characters that I had long since forgotten. Just have some creative fun more than sitting around trying desparately to write up Captain Lavender.

Captain Lavender is a "superhero" that has been in my head now for around 2-3 months? He came about from a chat over dinner with D when we went up to see the Martin Short show. And from there, it's just blossomed the more I work on it. Problem is getting it all out of my head and on to paper. That really is the hard part actually. It took me until July 4, while driving, to realize his origins. And believe me, he may have a really ubergay name, but in my head he is tooth and nail tough. I'm sure that eventually I'll get around to blogging more about him/it.

The weekend is coming to an end (yes I know I still have tomorrow Sunday but I'm already thinking about this coming week), and I realized again that I haven't really done much. It's like the weekends come and Saturday is just a flash, a blink of my eye and it's say 11pm and I'm thinking "Where'd it go?". Did some minor work in the garden that needs more work though. I'm happy to report that my Texas Blue Bonnets have popped up and have been replanted to larger pots. That and my Chinese Lanters got replanted as well. I can't wait for them to both bloom. Currently the only blooming thing in the garden are my gladioli and heliotrope and snap dragons. I need more color damnit! hehe

So it appears that within a few weeks D and H are possibly going to have the baby boy! Exciting exciting to me. Surrogate uncle Shadowmichael. Sigh. I'm actually scared because ya know, I've never been around a new born before. Scared that I'll have smoked a cig and not washed my hands, scared that I would go to hold him and somehow break the baby...just wierd to me. But still, sooner than possibly expected. Actually maybe just in time for me to turn...oh dear...le birthday. Welp to tell the truth, it's sneaking up on me and I tend to forget that because there's a lot going on this month don'tcha know.

So that's about the excitement here. In other words, not much (other than the damn comic book store taking more of my money but I can't complain). Now if the Blue Jays would just pick up the pace and start winning again, the world would look even better. I want those boys to make it this year to the world series or even get the Wild Card position. I know there's still time so all you Blue Jays fans (*crickets chirpping*), send them good vibes!

I think I'm going to pop in my new cd of All India Radio and drift off to sleep.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Fit and ya know it

Oh dear god babies...I went to hell today (Costco) and it was an eye opener in one sense. Now, some of ya know that I had been doing the South Beach diet thing right? I wanted to shed a few pounds, and after reading the book (it's written by a cardiologist) it made sense as a healthier diet. Well I did the "Phase One" and it did seem to help. Course now I'm all about getting off me ass and doing crunches and exorcising more but I digress...Costco...and fatness.

If you haven't been to one of these places before, it's essentially a warehouse of food. Up and down the aisle there are people standing there with samples of this, pieces of that, you get the idea. It's actually an annoying and depressing place for me to go to because I see all these senior citizens who have maybe six bottles of booze in their cart, and maybe some crackers. I mean really...unless you are entertaining a lot, how much Rum/Whiskey/Vodka/etc do you need? I digress again. So you wander up and down the aisles because they love to move things around on you (just after you've figured out where they're now stocking the tuna fish!), and you're assailed by the walking dead. These people push their carts to the right of them while they are looking over at something to their left! Or, they leave their cart in the middle of the aisle so they can wander over but a bit of that sample of carrot flavoured apple juice. (yes I exaggerated that) Then there are the kids that are constantly getting in your way. I swear I had an easier time trying to get to a bathroom in Disneyland!

So today, my normal day to go for the shop, I had a light load in my cart (god does that sound dirty to anyone but me? I must have a filthy mind today), and wandered to get in the snaking line for the one checker I always go to. I love this lady. She always smiles and we chat and she calls me Mija. Love HER! So around 3 people in front of me was this guy that made me feel so UNfat it's not funny. He was probably as tall as me (6'4ish), but here was where things went wonky. It wasn't that he had a gut. No no no. From his neck down to his belly, it was just a slope. I'm thinkin maybe something like 25-30 Degree slope here, and he definitely had a largish lower section as well.

Now, the only reason I bring this up is that we are all somehow taught that the perfect shape is the Greek Adonis with flat stomach and rippling abs and (in my mind) a taut physique. (Nothing against big muscley types but babies, you get too big in the muscle department you've lost my interest) Oh we're supposed to be tan and brilliant eyed. Our hair should flow flow flow and shine. A picture of perfection.....yeah, right. Fact is that I felt skinny when I looked at this guy and realized that I'm not that out of shape. I could still lose a few pounds, but it's more an exorcise thing I think. But how is it that I see so damn many "large" people here in California? Hell, even in Texas I don't remember seeing this many folks of this size if ya know what I mean. And I start to wonder, if they don't care about it, why should I?

There is nothing wrong with being a "large" person. Nothing wrong with being overweight (not to my mind), but when you see folks that you know could do something about it and don't seem to care, I mean it really makes you wonder. Now I'm gonna do something here that may rile a few folks a bit but here goes anyways and I'm saying this cause I honestly believe it's true.

Kalvin, don't you dare think that you're a "large" person. This man is cute and cuddly. (I know we kinda talked at the party about me being on SB, but baby, you're fine just the way you are!) And I heard that Jetboy's doc told him to lose weight? From friggin where?! And this goes for you too Rey, and all the rest of the folks I met on Pride weekend (not to mention those folks I chat with via blogs).

Of all the people I know, I honestly can't think of anyone that needs to lose weight. We may want to (and believe me I could be in better shape)...but after what I saw today, I think we're all pretty much AOK. Sure, I like the skinny gothy pale boys. I like a guy that's in shape and tone. But ya know what? IF you are thinking about losing some poundage, make sure you're doing it for you. Only reason I started to try and lose weight was because I wasn't happy with how I saw myself. Now this guy at Costco? Well, he may have been what some folks would say was "fat", but ya know, if he's happy...I guess that's all there is to it. Truth is, he was also buying baby diapers and had a ring on his hand so guess what...regardless of his "bulk", someone loves him a lot. So, just think on that one for a while. Funny how life can kick reality into your brain at times isn't it?

Now where the hell did I put them Pringles?!


Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Oh heavens..I have a day off tomorrow!

Well I know that tomorrow is the 4th of July and all, but ya know, for some reason I just ain't feelin it. Granted, I have had some really great folks make offers for barbques, hangin out, lunches and even a pancake breakfast! Still, I have it in my thick cranium that I have to work tomorrow. While I have the day off, if I sleep in tomorrow, I think I'll be sunk on the old "sleep schedule" bit, so, probably just a movie for me tonight and then waking up a weeeee bit later than normal tomorrow. And don't ya just think that picture screams out All American! I'd be screaming for other reasons if I saw that but hey..I can queen out like the next guy.

I'm finding myself stuck on certain songs lately and then I realized why. I'm lyrically based. If a song is catchy, great, I may even dig it without know what they're saying. If I find a song that most people think is crap, but it's lyrics hit me hard in some way...it's a great song. I think it's kinda odd because a lot of people around me are more musically based. If it has a good beat, or interesting chord changes, what have you...they're into it. Well, right now I'm stuck on Travelin' Thru by Dolly Parton. Weird because I'm not really a country kinda guy for the most part, but then again my taste seems to change with the drop of an eyelash in the breeze ya know?

I've been thinking about Pride again, and of course the 4th. I know that I should be feeling some sort of patriotism tomorrow. I should be really be thinking about all the men and women in the armed services actually. While I do love this country, I'm worried by it as well. I was saying to someone in a comment on their site that I feel like I had patriotism shoved down my throat as a kid. National Anthem, Pledge of Allegiance, all of that ya know? Well it kinda sticks in my throat now days. I guess I'm worried about where this country is going and how long is it going to take for us to get back to worrying about things at home? And how exactly are we seen by other countries now, I mean we Americans? I'm still hoping and chatting it up with my Goddess that somehow we can get it together ya know?

Ah...enough politics. On to bigger things like my Toronto Blue Jays! Yup, I'm a baseball fan. I love watching the game but I play it for shit. I can't catch well, I don't bat well, and while I don't throw like a girl I definitely don't aim well (whilst throwing thank you...oish...dirty people). I just really want to see them get into the series again. We're doing well this year too although we lost to my home state of Texas tonight (BOO!). Now my buddy and little bro Ryan talks about Nascar on his site and says that he thinks no one really cares about it...so I thought in a weird way I'd talk about my sport and team. No...I don't like the Oakland A's and we're above them percentage wise so I'm pretty happy. But I tell ya, if the Jays get into the series this year expect to hear more about them from me cause I'll be on cloud 9!

So the baby shower was a bit of a let down. While there were babies there (not my friend's obviously), we didn't get to shower them. I was hoping maybe for a lot of sudsy water and maybe some finishing wax afterwards. Nope...just a nice gather of friends and a few family members giving prezzies to D & H. Mine unfortunately can't happen until the kid is born. I had planned on opening an account (hopefully something high yield) for them that would mature when their son is 18. Hell...if I ever had a kid, I'd be freaking about what kinda money I'd need when he got out of high school. And, let's face it, how many baby clothes do ya really need huh? So, there ya go. No pictures but it wasn't that kind of party. (no babies were made during the entire duration of the party, nor were any eaten, beaten, or hurt in the making of the festivities.)

I realized that I need to do a major look at my blogroll cause I'm sure I am still missing folks that I thought were on there. And for Darin at All Prep...I'm fixing the link tonight. Sorry bout that buddy. And I'm really thinking about changing this place a bit again. Not sure what I want to do with it but hey...it's like redecorating the apartment ya know? Takes a bit of pondering.

So....I do hope that everyone out there has a great Fourth tomorrow. That includes me Canadian friends out there (Jeff you wicked man you, and Kelly my smokin' buddy). Everyone eat up and rest up and relax and have fun. Just don't forget that there's a bunch of men and women out there doing a job that I'm sure none of us really want. (even if they won't let gays and lesbian serve openly)

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Weekend Update

Just a quick update for hittin' the sack tonight because ya know, there are times you wish you had a camera with you (and weren't driving so you could take the picture). I drove up to SF on highway 280 which is a bit more rural to some degree. Always like it better than our highway 101 which is more like driving to through industrial-ish ya know? So I should have known it would be a cool trip when I saw a doe eating some dried grass by the side of the road. Just hangin out pretty as you please, not seeming to be scared by all the cars on the freeway. It was just really nice and I would have loved to pulled over but..wrong lane to get over in time, and no camera.

The trip up was nice and it was just a little time spent on the Castro (only buying one book at Different Light Bookstore). I actually found parking, which is a miracle to some degree, and popped in my quarters for an hour on the meter. So I wandered down to this little shop I had looked into when they were closed. What was it? Well there on Castro in gay central is now a Comic Book shop! Yeah baby! He's been open maybe 3 months but I'm glad to say that I saw a fair number of folks wandering in and poking around. I just think it's cool that I'm not the only gay man that likes to read comics. And, while I was there, this flyer caught my eye. Already been to their website. More coolness from the comic realm!

Go check em out. They have a FAQ section that sort of explains what they're doing. Personally I can't wait to see the first issue whether online, or in a shop. More money to spend (ka-ching ka-ching), but whether or not you think comics are "worth it"...I'm gonna read it. Pridecomics.

And then back homeward I wandered. Well, I did browse a few other shops but it seems that the Castro has changed a lot since I moved out here low these 20 years ago-ish. Kinda sad that most of what I saw were basicaly porn stores to some degree. There's still the cool funky artsty kind of stores there but it just seemed that everywhere I turned, you could buy porn either in print, or in some form of media. One shop even had old Super 8 movies...that's right...real film! Ah well....didn't stop me from buying a me new mystery and a cute rainbow bear at Different Light. And yes, it felt nice to feel "at home". Sometimes, ya just need to be a little bit gay :)

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

More to come

One more look at the gorgeous photo from Kelly Stern. I know that Pride is over but I really like the image. Go by and thank him ok?

Watch this space. Why? I don't know..just figured I'd say that since I started writing up my experience of the Pride weekend and hope to have it up sometime soon.

It's Saturday and I'm heading back up to the city for a short trip to the Castro. I've spent all week with straight folks and I am feelin a little need for some gayness in my life again. So, it's off to look at one shop that had a cool Wonder Woman Tshirt and probably back home. Well...that is if I get past the evil bookstore of Doom! That's right....Different Light Books. Pray for my credit card.;)

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Oh Janis

Photo by Kelly Stern
Well crap. Now I'm the one that's got dem ol' Kosmic Blues again mamma. Maybe it's just being tired. Maybe it's a wierd situation with the fam that I can't explain to myself. Maybe I just need to get the hell out of my studio more and do things. Who knows, who cares, why bother :)

Guess it isn't really all that bad but I have to tell you work is just a great big bitch this week. Waking up so late on Monday didn't help, and now it's almost Friday and I'm off to see Superman tomorrow night with D & H and then there's a baby shower this weekend as well. Yes, yes, I know...babyshow and men don't mix but hey, I was invited and I said I'd make an appearance for a little while. Just seems that this week is so frightfully dull. (did I mention I become very British at times?) But, there is also the prospect of spending some quality time with my beloved PS2. But even that sounds rather boring to some degree.

I can't believe it's almost July and I haven't figured out what's going to happen on the 4th. I suppose I should call my mum, but I don't want to. Everytime I call I get the guilt trip action times 20. She's good at it and will probably say something akin to "Well when you don't hear from someone like I haven't heard from you" and I'll wind up feeling like shit and then realize after the call why I don't call her. Am I the only one that doesn't get along with his own blood relations? Shit. How did I go from 4th of July to whiny? Good lord I think I need to eat the Quizno's I just picked up.

I did, however, see that a second of my gladioli is going to bloom soon. It's going to be purple which is one of my fav colors. Yeah, me and Miss Shug Avery hehe. It's the little things though. Wandering in after work and realizing that there could be a major splay of color waiting for me. Ya just gotta love flowers to some degree. These were the first ones to come into bloom for me.



And I don't think I have posted a more dull, dry, and boring post in a while. Maybe this weekend I'll get around to writing up my exploits during the Pride weekend and post parts of them. I have a feeling it's going to have to be a multi-post because there's a lot in my head which equates to a lot of writing.

So, I think I may change things up a bit here. Little different color scheme. Try and get my blogroll under control and to my likings. Hell, I may even put up a new picture of moi. One never knows, do one?

Twenty-three days and counting. And i hope that this one is better than I expect it to be.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Le sigh....yup...it's normal life again

Photo by Kelly Stern

Well babies...here we are again. I think I'm going to save talking much about the past weekend until I get it all written down. There was a lot of fun had by me though and it was my very first Pride parade so ... pretty dern excitin.

So it's really back to the daily grind lately for me. Fearing what my phone bill may look like, trying to remind myself that I have a babyshower this weekend to go to, and suddenly realizing that it's almost July! Now I have a love/hate relationship with July because yeah...I'm a Cancer/Leo cusp and if you know astrology you know what month I was born in. Course, there is also the 4th coming up on Tuesday. Then me buddy's birthday a couple of days before mine...and blah blah blah.

Last night was rather...well it was a big phone night apparently. Talke with my buddy JS out here, then talked to Rey, then my friend S called and the next thing I knew it was 9:30 and I'm thinking to myself, "Wasn't I going to just watch a movie and have a quiet night?". Then it hit me that I needed to eat. So, yup...sandwich at 9:30 and probably asleep by 10:30. Maybe I'm getting old. Yeah, right. I don't think so.

I've noticed I really need to do something about my blogroll because I've added a lot of folks that I read now and I feel bad I don't have them on there. Unfortunately for me, it takes a while since I'm a simpleton when it comes to some of these things. I swear I'm going to learn some HTML one of these days...but not before I learn more about spiders. I have a pleathora of them out in the garden these days. Fine by me, they eat the bugs. Problem is that on the odd occaission they decide to come in and visit me. Now, I have told them time and again that they can do what ever they want OUTSIDE. I generally chase them around in here and trap them and then release them outside again where they freak and run away. So I started thinking it would be interesting to just get to know spiders a bit better....not up close mind ya but via books and the net.

Course, now that I'm getting more into anime I'm thinking that it might be a pretty good idea to learn some Japanese. I think it would be a hoot to read the manga in the original language. Course it would help to be able to watch anime in the original language as well. Swear I would be a linguist if I could stand to study more. It's actually really hard to sit down and just learn a language by yourself ya know? Hell, I have my book and cds on learning Irish Gaelic and have I started workin it? Nope.

Ah me. Well everyone is posting thier pictures from Pride and I'm lovin it. I'm still thinking about just linking to my Flicker account. Don't know yet. That's what the weekend is for ya know? And for me to quit babbling. And to say that I send ya all big ol' hugs..... and Elvira (I love you Cassandra Peterson!!)

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!


p.s. Ya ever notice how your blog is always a work in progress? Le sigh

Back to normal...whatever that is

Photo by Kelly Stern

I'm tired and my feet hurt and ya know what? I hate my life. Not in the sense of everything is wrong and life is shit but in the sense that I'm missing the guys I met this weekend.

I've lived in California now for around 20 years and never once had I been in a gay bar, partied on the Castro, or been to a Pride parade. The weekend was a blur of activity for me and for a person that sits at home a lot...it was magic. I had a really hard time leaving Rey and Darryl last night after watching the end of a lesbian hip-hop group at the after parade street fair. I couldn't believe that I wasn't going to have them call me up and ask where I was. I couldn't believe that these two amazing guys weren't going to be in California.

I walked to my car and started to pull out on the highway when it all hit me really hard. I for once started to cry. All the warmth that I had felt from everyone seemed to be gone all of the sudden and I found myself alone listening to Nick Kershaw singing "Wouldn't it be good to be in your shoes, even if it was for just one day?". Then it really hit home. For three days I wasn't alone. I wasn't a freak. It was alright to be myself and be gay. I knew that I honestly was not alone in the world. How do you step back into your old life when that has happened to you? I cried as I drove and thought of the PFLAG group and what it actually meant. Love. I cried as I thought about how people cheered joyously for the drag queens and what that meant. Love. And I cried because it all seemed that I had to go back and be what other people expect me to be, and know that I was the "token" gay guy in a sense at work this morning. I can't begin to tell you how much just this little time had meant to me.

I'm a very quiet person I've come to realize. I don't do well in social settings where I don't know people well. I don't drink, or rather, rarely and if I have to drive I pretty much just don't. Tends to make me feel a bit boring to some degree, but given the chance, I would throw myself into the frey (which makes my blog seem much more appropriate to me now) and just say "fuck it". Unfortunately, I've become the kind of person that seems to think in terms of "be safe, be careful, don't do this, don't do that". And I suppose knowing my own body and how it reacts to things...well, I just know my own limitations. Still, I honestly wish that I could have opened up a bit more and had been able to push that comfort zone to the limits. Guess that's what come of living alone for 3 years eh? hehe.

So, today I read the blog updates, realized that I honestly loved these guys I had met this weekend, and hoped beyond hope that maybe I can push out of my shell. I miss the Darrens. Two sweet guys and I should have gone off with Darren #2 when he asked me to wander with him yesterday. (not like that damnit..sheesh...dirty minded gits) And I would have liked to have had a chance to really talk to Atari for a while. Jeff, and Doug, and Kelly from Canada were amzing guys that kept me smiling and just had this great energy the couple of times I saw them. And finding myself suddenly talking to Dan and Adam from Texas? Felt like a little piece of home actually. All these amazing guys that came out here for Pride.

It feels like something has ended, but, I know that it's actually just begun in a wierd way. The guys that live here, up in the city (SF) were just as amazing and warm as I had heard. And maybe it's spurring me on now that I have driven up there 4 times in the past 3 days to just get the hell out of this little boring place I live and actually start living. Seems that I forget to do that and just work and go home and then work and on the weekend maybe go see a movie. I know that I'd like nothing better than just to sit around and jaw it a while with Jr and Kalvin, give Kelly another giant hug because he really is quite huggable, talk to Chad about his ghost, and get to know Dan when I'm not zoned out completely. Hopefully this is going to happen. Whether or not you guys read my post, I just want to say thank you.

So pride? Ya, there's going to be another long post about it. It has an entirely new meaning to me actually. And for once, I do feel a sense of pride and a sense of community. So if there is anyone out there that thinks they are all alone in being gay. Anyone that feels like they are the only one and that they don't fit because of whatever reason...you're wrong. And any time you're feeling lost and alone because of it, you just come over here to my place and I'll make sure that while we sit around having a cupper together, you leave with a great big hug.

Peace

Pride weekend is over?

Y'all, I don't think I have ever been more tired in my life hehe. But it was and is the best kind of tired. I have spent the last couple of days with some of the most amazing guys having way too much fun. Now, they may not have known I was having all that fun but I was, and I plan on telling all! (weellll...maybe not all but I definately will dish it out in a later entry) Just enough to say that Pride really rocked for me.

Now the picture at the top is from Kelly Stern and y'all go over there and show that man some love because this picture has graced my site for almost a month now. Kelly, if you're reading this, I really thank you and appreciate your challenge. Major kudos to you!

I have a lot of pictures from this weekend and mostly from today's SF Pride and I promise I'll put them all out for folks to see but these are the ones that really grab me hard. See if you can dig these from our Pride Parade up here in SF, and then I'm going to bed cause I got to get this sorry little white ass up tomorrow for work.



I just really liked this float. Gospelly folk on there and I dig the messag eh? Even if I ain't a Christian...ya gotta love it!



That, and the PFLAG group really got me. I felt that lump in the throat working up ya know? All I can say is, amen to the sentiment.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Happy Pride everyone.

It's Pride weekend babies!

It's Pride weekend up here for me babies so I may not be talking much until after Sunday. I do want to wish everyone a great big HAPPY GAY PRIDE DAY! I'm off to try and have fun and stay out of serious trouble hehe.

Much love to you all and I'll be snappin pictures left and right I'm sure so yes, there will be those to come. (eye candy and what not heh)

Thanks to Kelly Stern for the image that has graced my site for the past month. I personally find it rather inspirational to tell the truth. So thank you again Kelly soo much!

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD! Be loved!!

What?...oh whatever

Photo by Kelly Stern

And it just keeps getting surreal. I mean really y'all...my life is getting too damn wierd at times. There's drama at work, and I'm afraid that I'm slowly turning into a real bitch there. Yeah, yours truly has a slow and long fuse but it's getting used up little by little. Course, what do you want from someone that would probably be described as a workaholic?

Hadn't intended to write about this but I gotta get something off my chest here. See, at work, I do a lot of the orders (most of them), and go out to buy things for the shop, and help customers, and try and listen to the staff when they need something. Then I get to go home right? Well sort of. I hate, absolutely HATE, leaving orders or lists for shopping for the following day. So, I go back in the evenings and work up my lists, get the shopping lists ready, the orders ready and lately a lot of time on the weekend I just go down there and hang out. People think I'm seriously nuts but I say, if it saves me time the next day when a vendor calls...it's worth it. But, I'm there too much. I can't seem to be away from work and not worry about the place. I'm scared that if I go away for more than two days it's going to fall apart, or orders won't get done (or done properly) and little things will fall through the cracks that I am supposed to be in charge of. What's worse is I don't even know if that's the way it's supposed to be. And things do fall through the cracks because I'm getting really tired of it all....but it pays for me to be in a place to live, to eat, to occaissionally do something exciting, etc. And I still want more...well more money, paid vacations, sick time...but it's a friggin coffee shop and I guess I shouldn't complain because over all I have it pretty damn good.

K left today. His time in my city is done. He was only working contract and tonight instead of seeing him off like I thought I would, I wound up hanging out with my friends at their house. I know that things wouldn't have ever worked between us, but I did like the guy and I hope that he'll at least call from time to time. It was a fun rollercoaster ride while it lasted I suppose. Maybe the next time it will be an honest to god relationship thing instead of a one sided affair on my part.

And, I'm woundering and pondering and thinking about moving. It's not that I hate where I live, but my neighbor really freaked me out today. Freaked me out enough to make me consider moving (and how the hell am I going to find a place for all my plants if I do?!). I don't really know what his problem is anymore, but he's starting to scare me a little. I don't know if he was drunk or what, but I woke up to hearing someone in my patio (and these are small places) trying to get in my studio. I mean the guy kept putting the key in the door and trying it. Now maybe he was so gone that he thought he was in his place, but my patio looks nothing like his so it's kinda hard to make that mistake. I didn't say a word and pretended I was still napping but damn y'all...that really freaked my shit out! I'm considering asking my landlord if I can change the locks on my door at this point but all this may just be me being paranoid and a bit tired and needing more food and sleep lately. I don't know.

And I know I may be hit by someone for saying this but I'm scared slightly that I'm losing the fam out here. I know that everyone has scheduals that conflict. I know I'm a pain in the ass to get out of my studio. I also know that I haven't heard from any of them lately and..well...maybe it's all just bad communication lately. I don't know but there is a gut instinct that says something is way up and I'm not privy to it. The worst of it is that I was really looking forward to going to Disneyland with my brother and sis in October. Can't imagine anything worse than doing Disneyland all alone so...I don't know.

God I'm a whiny whiny fag tonight. It's Pride weekend and Rey is going to be in town, along with a lot of other bloggers that I will probably meet this weekend. I'm hoping that I'll be able to escape all the wierdness that seems to be around me lately and just have some fun. Lord knows, right now I feel like I could use it. That, or a sweet guy to fall in love with me, or just a guy that wanted to cuddle. :) Hopeless I tell ya...I'm a hopeless romantic still.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Oh he's babbling again....

Picture by Kelly Stern

Now y'all know me (and no I'm not down with the OPP thank you very much), and I don't post a lot of pictures here but I'm thinking that maybe I should set up a different blog for Pride this year. That's right, I'm a camera hound at times. It's not just the pretty eye candy boys, but it's the Drag Queens as well. I secretly think that just about everyone (and this includes my mom for cryin out loud) loves a good Drag Queen...or a bad one....or one that is tacky. And yet, sometimes I think that the gay community doesn't really accept them completely.

Are Drag Queens a stereotype? Well maybe. But honestly, you have to love them for that fearlessness to go out there and just do it. I wish I had more of that in me. Course at 6'4" I'm gonna be a really frightening woman I would think. Can you imagine me in friggin heels for god's sake? I'd feel like I was walking on stilts above the crowds! But enough of that....I plan on taking a lot of pictures of the Drag Queens :)

Me diet has been rough on me lately. I did break down and have...*gasp* pasta! (and potatos and toast damnit) But I have no more time to "slim down" so what folks see pride weekend is what they get and I'm still planning on working on the bod before going to Yaoi-con.

This post seems really dull and boring to me, but ya know, that seems to be the way my life runs lately. I'm really hoping that this weekend reinvigorates me a bit. I'm usually to be found on the weekend here at home either playing games, or dorking around on the computer. Why? I have no clue other than I really like experiencing things with other people. Like going to a museum where you run up to your friend and say "Oh my god you have to see this!" Or being able to talk about a play after the show over coffee. Mmmm...companionship. Something I sometimes feel sorely lacking in because my friends all seem to have conflicting schedules and I'm bastard that won't leave my studio during the week usually.

Summer is here though and I have had an off to go and see Opera and go to Big Sur and just wander through the trees. I'm seriously thinking that both are a good idea. I've never seen live Opera before and it's The Marriage of Figaro in SF put on by their opera company. And Big Sur? Well, I plan to go out there with some watercolors (which I have to admit I don't know if I'll use too well) and paint a bit when I find inspiration. Plus, I'd be going on these outting with friends so what could be better?

Ok, y'all...time for this camper to eat, play one race in Midnight Club and get some shut eye if'n he can. Ya know...sometimes I really hate my internal clock but...meh.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Oish....rambly bambly

Photo by Kelly Stern

Now, we all know what time it is right? It's Pride month and I've had a lot of oddly mixed feelings about it lately. For one, my local PBS channels don't seem to be running that much "gay programming" this year like they had in recent years. Sort of disappointing because there are few places (not having cable) for me to see documentaries, or what have you, on gay and lesbian folk. I resort to watching the movies I have on hand, and the ones I get from Netflix and GreenCine but it's just not the same ya know? Then, there's the whole issue of I feel like I should be doing more like going to the San Jose Pride (which I slept though) and trying to be supportive. Well, I will be making it up to SF next weekend and meeting up with some fellow bloggers (Hey there Rey *grin*).

So why talk about Pride again? Well it was something that Alden over at Secret Simon was talking about and it just struck a cord. He said, "Be careful not to drown in the celebration lest it lose it's meaning. It does happen." and I tend to agree with him. We get all wrapped up in the partying sometimes and forget what I feel Pride is suppose to be about. I know I've said it before but to me it's a time when all those lovely gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, etc folk get together and say "Hey! Look, there's more folk just like me and we're ok." Now that instills me with a sense of pride. Parades? Sure I love it and I will probably be taking my camera and snapping pictures of the gorgeous guys, and ladies, and drag queens et als....but just to be in that vibe of "we're all one". Man, talk about a sense of ??? not power but just, well I don't know what. (and for those of you that haven't read Alden's site, please go over there because he's a very lovely guy in all senses)

So nothing else is really new here. Work and work. I went up to SF tonight with some friends to hit two places I wanted to go. Did it work out? No. We wound up at Virgin Megastore (well ok...I like browsing music and vids), but then when we walked over to Lush it was closed (which I suspected it would be). Then we tried to make it over to the Castro to a shop I wanted to browse in....closed. So, the trip for me was actually a complete bust. I didn't get what I intended to get up there so I'm going to probably drive my sorry butt up there tomorrow. Why go all the way to SF to buy soap? Believe me, if you have ever used Lush products...you'd understand ;)

I realize lately I haven't been myself really. I'm not sure what the damage has been but I just haven't felt like my old self. I haven't even felt like a new self. Just been feeling a bit like a mindless Zombie wandering through life. I found myself bitching a lot more with coworkers and that's not right. It makes me feel like I'm two faced when I talk about fellow coworkers that are annoying me, but can't seem to say it to them because I don't want to either; A)hurt their feelings, or B)put up with the drama. But, seeing as I feel like I don't talk much to anyone, I guess I needed to blow the steam off. Still I plan to try and work on myself again and find some kind of happy medium so I don't get like that again.

And I feel like I haven't been a good friend in some ways either. I haven't been commenting for the most part on peoples sites that I read every day. I haven't emailed responces. I just sort of sucked down into myself and work. So...who cares eh? Well I do. I honestly love folks a lot in the fact that they play an important part in my life. Just seems that in not talking, I'm not being a very good friend. So here's a list of shout out that are sent with a LOT of love and hugs to :

My little brother Ryan
and Michael who's a majorly swell guy
Kalvin who maybe I'll be meeting this weekend at SF Pride
and Rey who I'll definately be seeing
Alden although I don't really know ya
Brad who keeps my Southern heart buring bright
Steve who I should be commenting more on his blog
Brad who has them sexy feet and is a partial inspiration for my weightloss
Spencer cause he's just too damn cool (and he better know it)
M'lady because she is an amazing woman who I love reading
Ari who bring a sense of gentility to my life
and to Jim who's not back to blogging yet..but I do adore ya.

I feel like I am forgetting folks, and if I didn't mention your name I'm sorry but just know that everyone that stops by here...well I appreciate it. I wish that these were actually little homes because I'd have all y'all sitting out on the porch, a pitcher of Iced Tea and probably some kinda homemade cookies wating. Just sos we could sit a spell and jaw it up and have some laughs. And ain't that what life really is about? People. People and the friendships we form. So, I'll be waiting with the Tea (or coffee heh)...y'all come by whenever you want.

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be loved!

What time is it?...oh my god

from Kelly Stern

What the hell am I doing up so late? I don't know. I'm having trouble sleeping lately. It may be the eating later than I should but hey...that's life I suppose. I'm getting used (in a sick way) to around 5 hours of sleep during the week. Sad huh?

So, not much is really happening here. I keep seeing K but I get the feeling that something inside me has changed. Sure he's cute and all, but there just something there that wasn't before and it's not that I'm not interested...cept he has a wife of course and all that rot. Just, something odd. Probably all for the best though in the long run.

So....it appears I have hit the year milestone. I forgot that it was coming up for me here and let me tell ya, I never thought I would actually still be writing here a year later. All that drama that went before? Well I'm sure it will crop up again this year in different forms but hey, that's life ya? So one year of meeting amazing folks, making new friends because I decided to announce to the world I was here. Was it worth it? Ah hells yeah!

I'll try and up date things a little better but the weekend is coming and that's the time I usually do fu...er...nothing much :D

Thanks to you all for continuing to come back here, for the comments, for the friendships, and for the love. We'll just have to wait and see what this new year is gonna bring me eh? (odd to say halfway through an actual year but I never said that I wasn't a bit off heh)

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be loved!

Oh....OH my

Photo by Kelly Stern

Sorry it's been a while. Lately I've been trying to just chill and relax a bit (well on the weekend) and I didn't make it to San Jose's Gay Pride but....two weeks and I'll be up in SF for their Pride march. We'll see how this goes because for one thing, I'm not really big into crowds, and for a second thing...well I don't really drink much so there's that odd aspect to the whole thing.

So I have to give some credit here to V.J. over at Orange Maze. He posted this and asked everyone to take the 5 minutes to watch this clip. Believe me, I think it's worth it. Kinda boiled my blood, but it also was nice to hear a reporter pull out all her stops when interviewing someone like this. (and hopefully this embedding will work)



So there ya have it....homophobes that believe that God hates just about everyone because they don't sin but we all do. Enough to make you laugh if it didn't make you want to cry as well.

I promise to update a little more tonight, but for now, it's after work and yesterday was crazed and I just want to lay down and watch a movie. On the upside of things, I may have broken my South Beach diet on Saturday, but the effects of what I have been doing lately are actually showing! Yea me! That belly is going down slightly and so now it's up to doing crunches and getting rid of them handles!

Be safe. Be happy. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Well I knew it had to be something

Well, it appears I'm going to be resetting all my passwords. Fun eh? I was wondering why things were acting a bit odd on the puter here and doing a Spyware search I encounted something called WinWhatWhereKeylogger. So, great, now I have to think up new passwords, reset everywhere because it's a logger of keystrokes and try and remember what I gave myself now as passwords. I mean really...WTF?

This of course makes a bit more sense to me of why I got an odd mail on Myspace today from someone I don't even know who said I was harrassing him. Makes me wonder what the hell else this program is going to find and just how I happened to get this annoying little doodad.

Life here? Boring, and at the same time, dull. I'm going out tomorrow night with my sis and brother to see La Cage Aux Folles. Should be pretty groovin because I love the show and I need something to make me feel better about myself. Guess I'm back to thinking too much again but hey, that's life eh?

This weekend is Pride in San Jose and I'm not sure if I want to do the parade but I'll probably make it down to the festivities afterwards. I'm not exceptionally good with crowds but the one time I managed to make it down to where they hold the afterwards stuff....it was pretty mellow. Does give me pause considering the SF Pride parade. I don't think I can/could deal with the party that is going to be happening on Castro that night/weekend. It's not that I'm claustrophobic, but I think I'm a little agorophobic. Crowds that make you feel like a sardine trying to be pushed into the tin after it's already full definately freak me out a bit.

I'm not sure if I broke the diet tonight. I tried my best to eat South Beachly, but I scooped up some rice with the beans by accident, and I think I ate a crouton by mistake :) Yeah I know....ain't the end of the world but damnit, I want to lose weight and get healthy (and maybe one day find someone that I could call a boyfriend).

I'm starting also to wonder where my life is heading exactly. Wondering what would happen if I just decided to move to another state. Would the world really change that much? After I got web access, I don't know. Just would be a different place and different people is all. That in and of itself is a wierd thought. Granted I don't have the cash to think about moving out of state, but I'm feeling a bit of wanderlust creep up on me. It's been almost 2 years since I had a vacation which was 4 days in Disneyland last time. Think I'm due for one but I don't want to spend tons o' cash ya know? Ah the perils of being me.

One of these days, I'm going to find the right place at the right time and finally figure out who and what the hell I really am. Maybe I'll just turn into a superhero.

For those that don't know, that picture is by Kelly Stern. Thanks again Kelly and happy Pride month since I haven't said it yet!.

Be safe. Be happy. Be loved!

Day 3?

Well, I have tried to stick to the South Beach diet as much as possible, and let me tell you, that almond scone today looked SOOOOO good, but I didn't. Day 3 and I'm feeling pretty dern good about meself.

Now, I'm not sure if it was on the diet (well ok I cheated) last night to have popcorn at the movies but I never have butter on it. Yeah, "butter"...riiiight. It's some wierd oil that they tend to squirt out of a machine and it usually tastes more like oil to me than butter. But hey, a medium popcorn and then dinner of meatball soup (yeah I know it sounds wierd but it was at a noodle house and I can't have pasta sooo). Not so bad I think. Plus I've actually been eating breakfast kinda. Well, breakfast for me. So what did I see last night? The Omen. I'm afraid my opinion of it isn't the best so I'm gonna skip that.


What wonderous thing has happened over the last couple of weeks is that my rose bush has finally bloomed! I have my first blossom and being the proud poppa I took several pictures. Only a couple turned out really well. Depending on how the sun was hitting it, it tended to look slightly different to me so. Here she is....my first beauty of the season with hopefully many more to come. Ain't she gorgeous? And there's another bud waiting to open any day now. Granted, these were a variety called "Black Roses" which are supposed to be super dark and look almost black until they open but hey....she's my baby anyways.

Just as a side note, so I give credit where it's due, the picture at the top was from Kelly Stern and will be kept somewhere on my blog until the end of the month for Gay Pride month. Thanks again Kelly!

Be safe. Be happy. Be loved!

Day One....and I'm feeling ok

Since I don't ever post pictures for HTN, and I rarely let ya see me full body in a picture...I started my diet today. Doing that South Beach thing. Why? Am I fat you may ask. Well I am to me, or rather I need to lose a good 10 pounds in my book. So....day one and I've stuck to it other than not having lunch today which I never have in the first place. BUT, I also didn't come home and eat Pringles (*sniffle* oh my lovely crispy bits of potato....how I will miss you).

And today is me buddy Rey's birthday! WOO HOO! So a majorly Happy Happy Birthday to ya buddy! And y'all that don't read his site, go over and just say Happy Birthday anyways cause he's a pretty swell guy ;)

So other than starting this damn diet (but I have to say I've been eating pretty well for a diet today), not much really going on other than I wanted again to point out the picture that is going to be hanging around my site all month. This was from Kelly (and I'm a bad man because I haven't had a chance to explore his blog much) who had a challenge. Well me, I fell in love with the picture when I first saw it on Brad's site...and now apparently it's making the rounds and I for one am exceptionally pleased by that. I also want to say thank you to Kelly for this quote from him,

Pride is not all about nekkid men and getting crazy,
but what has happened in our history...lets not forget... - Kelly Stern.

Well amen to that Kelly! Course, I will finally be attending (dear god I hope I make it this year) my first gay pride parade up in SF. I say should because I am still committed to one scene for the video I was doing with my friend's band. One last scene for me and I think one last for the band and the shooting part is over! Course, there's the voice over work but hey...big deal. It'll be in the can so to speak. Yeah, this month is a little crazy for me, but in a good way. Got an offer to go see an opera (but had to turn it down), I think this weekend is Pride in San Jose (which I may try to go to), and in two weeks I should be actually meeting some fellow bloggers in SF for their Pride. Oish, I'm tired just thinking about it heheh.

So, hey, steal that picture and post it EVERYWHERE! And when ya do, thank Kelly Stern for it ok? And...well, we'll see what happens next in my crazed life of boredom :)

Be safe. Be happy. Be LOVED!

Allo Allo

Le Pride.....Da Pride month, Da Paraides, Da Groovy! (ok, so I've been listening to Dee Light lately...but hey, groove IS in the heart now isn't it?)

I was soooo supposed to get up earlier today and get some stuff done, but before I knew it last night (and several cups of coffee at the shop didn't help), it was 4am. I mean, WTF? I'm never up that late anymore. Oh, sure when I was going to Raves I'd be getting in at that hour....but now? I'm usually in bed no later than 11pm. Well, kinda have to and if I can get off me bum, I'll probably be wanting to because I'm lookin to start exorcising and I'm sure that will help tiring me out a bit.

I saw this picture originally on Brad's site. What a great image! The photo is by Kelly Stern, and thanks for the image Kelly! And there is just something about it. Does me little gothy black heart good and it actually does make me feel oddly proud. Plus, it's a gorgeous picture in general. I say, copy this sucker and spread it around :)

The only down part of this weekend is worrying about me buddy Persian Guy. Why? Well for one, he's taken down his blog site. For those that hadn't read his site before, he's an amazing guy. Good friend too. Just hoping that everything is ok. Just kinda saddening that he took the site down. I know that a lot of folks love him and his site. Hopefully he'll put it back up sometime. (and hey...I hope you got my email buddy)

So, do to the fact that it's around 5 million degrees right now in my studio (no a/c and I even have the window and door open but it's not helping), I think I'm going to trundle down and see about getting myself one of these Game Shark thingies. Supposed to be able to break in cheat codes (not that I actually use them much) for the PS2....hm or maybe not after reading the reviews of this thing on Amazon. Sigh Guess I'm stuck to trying to actually beat the game like you're supposed to? But hey, that's why you buy them in the first place right?

Alright, I'm off to find someplace slightly cooler than it is here. Hope that everyone's weekend went off magnificantly. And is anyone but me excited by the prospect of this Tuesday? I'm ordering my tickies probably tomorrow!

Be safe. Be happy. Be loved!