Thoughts from the actor

There are films that you want to call great. You may enjoy Star Wars, Gone With the Wind, or Citizen Kane and call them classics, but there are movies that go so far beyond that they resonate with you. They stike like a deep bell who's tone is so low that you do not hear it, but feel it in the core of yourself.

I just returned from seeing Capote. It has struck me like nothing has struck me in a long, long time. If Phillip Seymour Hoffman does not win a best actor award this coming year, there is something terribly wrong. All of the actors were amazing. The story is that of Truman Capote and the writing of his novel In Cold Blood. Watching Truman go from the puckish "child" author in the beginning to an almost wreck of a man at the end was emotionally wrenching. I can not praise this movie enough. Perhaps it will only be myself that feels this way, but it has left itself lodge somewhere deep within me. What is stranger yet, is that I do not want it to leave me right away.

This is the power of a truly good film to me. To cause you to feel something so deeply that you have no real words for it. That is what I have always wanted to do. As an actor, I strived for perfection that I do not think I ever truly reached. I feel miniscule and small compaired to what I saw tonight. Brilliant is the only word for it. And what greater gift is there than to move people, to inspire them, to spur them on to something bigger and better in their lives? That is how I have always seen great performers, and great films, and great theater, and writers. I wanted so much to have that ability, and maybe somewhere deep within me I do have it. I simply haven't found a way to truly tap into it. To rouse emotion by your voice, or words? That must be a God given gift reguardless of if you believe in a God or not.

We actors may have great words at our disposal, but they can be mangled beyond belief. I'm a bit of a snob and will not generally go and see a High School production of Shakespeare, but I know from my own experience in high school that there are some shining moments and performers. It is amazingly easy sometimes, and at other times incredibly difficult to maintain a character for a two hour period. There is not a second on stage that you can allow your mind to wander. There is not a second on stage where you can "be yourself" because the audience is always watching. If you are in the back of the stage, background scenery as it were, someone is still watching you. Certainly there are lines to memorize, staged blocking to remember, but the execution of all of this is on the shoulders of the individual.

There have been times when I was onstage with someone less experienced in acting, and it's hard to explain but that only makes you try harder to be better. Why? Is it a competition? No. If you are in a scene with someone that is "weak" as an actor, then you (or perhaps just I) feel that you must push them by being as good as you can possibly be. It's about the show actually. There are times I have hated working with some actors/actresses because they give you nothing to work off of. Like I said, it all rests on the shoulders of the individual. We (performers) are always told to be 100%. It's not just in voice and body movement but in emotional contexts as well. That's why at the end of a show, I hardly ever went out to greet an audience. It wasn't conceit, simply that I was critiquing my own abilities and performance that night so I could be better the next night. Plus, sometimes I was actually just too bloody drained to want to deal with smiling for people reguardless of how much they may have liked what I had done on stage.

We are an odd breed performers. We have thick skins, but a soft underbelly and easily bruised egos at times. (generally of our own doing is does our ego get bruised) We strive to be as natural as possible so that it looks like real life, even though we are portraying someone possibly so different from ourselves. I do wonder why we do it. I wonder why I did it for so many years, and why I miss it more than I can say. Perhaps it's all about being to express something, give a gift to an audience, or perhaps there is some odd psychological problem with us all in the acting realm. Still, there is nothing I have found to be quiet like performing. Perhaps I will find my way back somehow.