A beginning

Closed for remolding, remodeling, rebuilding, re-invigorating.....

I need a break. I need a break from everything, not just work, not just the day to day endless drone but from everything. There aren't really words anymore. There are only constant things I need to fix be it in here in my grey cells, my life, or at work. I need a life again. This space is not going away, but I am for a while.

I'm sadly not finding it hard to walk away from here for a while. I think that's the point. I used to be a relatively fun person, quirky, silly at times, and lately I feel like I'm just a bitch at heart. Last night I realized I need to redefine my life, but that can't be done in pixelated 1's and 0's. It has to be done away from the job that is currently my life, and away from being online more than out in the real world.

In terms of the Tarot, I am the Hermit again. I am out there searching with my light to try and find the wisdom, but I'm getting waylaid every time I start that search. So in true Hermitical style, I'm abandoning my "home" for a while to live out side of the ruckuss. I hope that when I do come back that I'll be even more sagely, better adapted to handle all the thorns and annoyances of day to day life.

Search for me in the stars if you wish. I always find myself looking up there at them. Perhaps we'll be meeting up there for a while until I come back to this place and tell the tales. Currently though, I feel like an artist staring at a blank canvass wondering if his first pencil stroke towards a painting is in the wrong place, or will create not what he wanted, or if he can find the painting in the void.

As McCarther said, "I shall return."
Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!!!!

Friday/Saturday

Christmas came early for me. I've had a package sitting here in the studio. I wanted to open it, but I just stared at it for what seemed like forever. It was from Jon, and I just wanted to peak into it....but I didn't. That is...until last night when my package to him arrived at his house. I got two presents, and one wasn't in the box.

My family had a tradition of opening stuff on Christmas Eve. I've always tried to have one thing to open on Christmas day because that's when "Santa" would have left us kids the "big" present. But...I wanted to open our presents together, me and Jon on the phone becuase it was going to be the closest thing I would have to actually being there with him. So to me, that was a major part of my present was being able to open his (and yes there is a picture), and him open mine together. I couldn't think of anything better really....although what he sent me is so friggin amazing that I'm sharing it with you all.

For those that don't know, Jon created these himself. He made them, mached them, painted them and they are absolutely amazing pieces of art. He sent me the three in the background of the picture (Alice Cooper, Pee Wee Herman, and a Gangster that I think ROCKS!). The Wolf and Red Ridinghood I bought from him several months ago. The Dogfish and Catsfish were presents he sent me and ya know what....they're all amazing. I've never really had any artworks before...just posters on the wall, but now I have something that reminds me again and again how wonderful, talented, and amazing he is.

Sometimes, someone comes into your life for a reason. They don't have to know it, and sometimes you don't either. It just happens. For me, I just know that I'm a lucky man to have him in my life. Christmas doesn't mean spend tons of money on me....not to me. It means that the present you send comes from the heart, and he knew that I'd love these guys and gave them to me. THAT means a lot to me. Sure presents are nice, expensive stuff is nice, but to have something that someone made with all the effort behind it...priceless! I am eternally greatful to have someone like this in my life. I'm glad that the Universe stepped in and said, "Here. This is a person who will appreciate you, and who you will appreciate." Just another testiment to love in my book.

Thank you Jon for my kids, for you kids who are now my kids. You can come and visit them anytime.

Be Safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Wendesday...sniffle...

I have a mantra that I chant every now and then and it goes a little something like this, "I am NOT sick." (repeat)

While it's colder in other areas of the US and around the globe, the combination of cold air and my open sinuses from Hot and Sour soup was a bad idea. Now I know it's really time to start thinking about movin on from this studio. There is nothing worse than sleeping under two blankets with a shirt on and a sweater AND a space heater going and still being cold. And it looks like maybe I got one. Course the other mantra I chant to myself is "It's just my sinuses. I'll be fine tomorrow." You'd be surprised at what the human mind can do for the human body given the chance. Yes, I am about to sip on my herbal tea (Rosemarry, Peppermint, and Chamomile) and will be shovelling down my gullet until I feel better.

Did I mention that I'm a whiner? When I'm sick I am a terrible patient. I get even MORE independant and want to take care of myself, but secretly want someone to come bring me soup and snuggle up next to me to keep me warm. But alas, since I was about 18 or so, I've been the doctor to everyone else...including myself. Just wishin I had a nurse! (Ryan you're lucky to have that sexy Mikey as your nurse....send me one, or send me Jon?)

So, in the long run, don't worry. I'll be fine (yes I am a Jewish mother at heart). I actually will. I just have to gauge how I feel when I get up tomorrow morning. The upside is that after $75 at Target, I now have a radiator style oil heater with thermostat control. I figure one night at 75 degrees won't kill my electric bill and if it does? Fuck em! For once I'm gonna be as warm as I want so I don't have to wear as much shit to bed so I can actually get some decent sleep!

Is it really four days from Christmas? Yup. God help me cause if I feel all dragged out tomorrow I'm just going to have to lump it. Mom WILL have her present and so will my nephew even if it's only a gift certificate! Colds, sinuses, WEATHER be damned! My inner galant knight just kicked into gear and it shall be done by God! SO MOTE IT BE! :)

Sending through the cosmos the vibes of love.
Filling in the spaces with good cheer and laughter.
Placing so many kisses on so many faces.
Arms are open to embrace them all.
Brightest Blessings to everyone!

Be safe. Be well (me included). Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

Monday

Monday's are hell. It's back to work, and back to routine, and back to the same old same old. Hard to believe that soon it's going to be Christmas. Not really though, last two days I've woken up to find ice on my windshield. Yes, even here we're a bit frosty and so have I been.

Truth is that if I didn't get a milk order today I wouldn't have remembered it was Tuesday. The week is coming up fast on me and I have a few last minute Christmas things to do. Money may be tight, but it's Christmas goddamnit, and there are folks that deserve to get a little something even if it's not much more than a card or an ecard. One last thing to send out for my mom. She's the only one in my immediate family that bothers to think of me at holidays and birthdays. That's been on my mind a lot lately.

You sometimes take things for granted. When you're a kid, birthdays mean presents and friends, Christmas means presents and family. Now....sometimes I wonder what is going to happen when she's gone. My dad is gone now 10 years, and I keep thinking about how I could have been better to him. I should be better to mom, keep in touch more, call more often, try to visit....but the sad thing is that while I love her, I just don't seem to know how to deal with her. The rest of the family? They have their own families to think of. Somehow I think that mom and me are in the same boat to some degree.

I keep getting and then losing a Christmas spirit. My boss, madman that he may be, decorated the store last night after closing apparently. I arrived all frosty and chilled to be greeted by a tree in the window with lights a blaze. I think that is the tree I've seen all season. Hell, I don't even think I saw one in the mall. It was nice actually. Ribbons and wreaths hung up in the shop. It finally began to feel a little bit like actual Christmas.

I felt exhausted today at work for no good reason. I was snappy, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to be there, just wanted to be home and away from the world. I don't know why. Probably all the other stuff on my mind. But there was this odd little moment when i went to do dishes and I started to sing this to myself, it's a chant I learned years ago,

"We all come from the Goddess,
and to Her we shall return,
like a drop of rain,
flowing to the ocean.
Isis Astarte Diana
Hecate Demeter Kali
Inanna"

Sometimes it helps to just try and comune when you're doing the mindless things. I sang it over and over again and I started to finally feel better. It's hard when there are few people to honestly discuss this sort of thing with. My boss laughs when I bring up my religion. Dan simply disbelieves entirely. Why is is that what helps you through seems to almost always be brought into question if it isn't Christian/Jewish/Muslim/Budhistic, etc? Can't people get it that it's all one anyway? The whole damn Universe is one for crying out loud, and we're just little pieces of it. Sister Moon, brother Bear, and me. Really, what's the difference in the long run? None that I see. Just wish I could remember this when dealing with the customers that drive me to want to drink or yell.

I talk to Them every morning before I open the doors. It's part of my ritual for the morning. I stand outside with a cup of coffee and cigarette and talk for a little, let Them know that I love Them for all They've done and do for me. I make little requests, ask questions, and lately ask for Their help. Each time I have asked for something, while it may take a while from within the day to maybe a few days, it's happened. May not always be what I was expecting, but my requests are generally granted. They aren't big. I don't ask for millions of dollars, new cars, just small things that come from my heart. This is how I know that They are there and listening. And this is how I know that love truly is the answer, because if it wasn't, I don't think that things would happen the way that they do.

While this is my place. The place where I come to talk to myself at times, and to burst open my cranium and spleen....

All that are named, all that are not named,
all of them are loved.
Brightest Blessings

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!

Sunday

Jacques Brel is singing to me in words I don't understand, but I do at the same time. It's in his voice, his music, and from his soul. Music, the saving grace. The thing that I always come back to when I have to. Calming, soothing, understanding, and sometimes healing.

Sometimes I think I love too much and it frightens people. It makes them scared, or doubt me. Yes, there are people out here in the world that are willing to stand by you forever and love you forever no matter what. Do I love him? Without a doubt. Will that change? No.

Quand On N'a Que L'Amour

1 Quand on n'a que l'amour
À s'offrir en partage
Au jour du grand voyage
Qu'est notre grand amour
Quand on n'a que l'amour,
Mon amour toi et moi
Pour qu'éclatent de joie,
Chaque heure et chaque jour.
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour vivre nos promesses
Sans nulle autre richesse
Que d'y croire toujours
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour meubler de merveilles
Et couvrir de soleil
La laideur des faubourgs
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour unique raison
Pour unique chanson
Et unique secours

2 Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour habiller matin
Pauvres et malandrins
De manteaux de velours
Quand on n'a que l'amour
À offrir en prière
Pour les maux de la terre,
En simple troubadour
Quand on n'a que l'amour
À offrir à ceux-là
Dont l'unique combat
Est de chercher le jour
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour tracer un chemin
À chaque carrefour
Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour parler aux canons
Et rien qu'une chanson
Pour convaincre un tambour

3 Alors, sans avoir rien
Que la force d'aimer,
Nous aurons dans nos mains,
Ma mie, le monde entier

Merci Jacques, merci mon ami. Vous aviez raison. Je prie que vous avez raison.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be loved.

Saturday night

Probably the biggest question in life is always "Why?". Problem is, no one knows. No one can answer it for you but you. Is that we keep secrets from ourselves? I mean, do we know the answer to that question but we tuck it away and just ignore it? Why....it's one that creaps up on me time and again.

I've started to think that maybe, just maybe it's time for a massive break from things. Maybe just turning off the computer completely, but it is like a bad addiction because I'm an email addict. On the weekends I check it pretty regularly just because. During the week it's usually two or three times a day. And that means, I am tied down to my computer. I can get lost in the internet. It's not just for porn ya know.

There are cobwebs in my head again and I don't know how to clear them out exactly, but, perhaps tomorrow is that long walk day. (if it's not raining) It always seems to help. Just pop in some music and start walking. It's funny because as long as there is music, I don't really need a direction or place to go...I can just walk. Yeah, there's always stuff on the brain ain't there? Seems that all those cobwebs and dust bunnies never really go away completely. Maybe I just need a good mental floss? (ok, so I can still attempt bad humor)

Christmas is coming up. I have something for my mom thank god. Cards have gone out. Now I simply have to wait for one last thing to arrive hopefully on Monday and I can send out my packages.

And again, I ask why. I wish I knew other than a large portion of me says, "Because you love." I just hope that is enough. It kinda has to be because what else is there if you don't have love? Doesn't matter if you are giving it or recieving it, it's like air...rather I think it is. Then again I'm a stupid romantic.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved

Monday

It's the memory of the night walking by the water talking with Selene and realizing that I don't spend that time anymore. Why? It's not as if She was any less important now. As a matter of fact, I think that sometimes my Dieties are now more important at this time than ever. I felt so connected at that point. I felt that I heard Her talk to me. Was it only my mind? If so, I don't care because the things I heard made sense, helped me figure things out, muddle through them all.

This season is a confusing one. It's that time where I feel I have to give something to my blood relations whether or not I want to. Do I? Well, partially yes, but the sense of not knowing them anymore to some degree makes this all the more difficult. How do I go looking for that present that says "Mom", or "Brother and Wife", even "Nephew" when I don't know what they are doing anymore or what their interests are. Of course, it's not really like they are making the effort either except for Mom.

The only saving grace was that I felt rather Christmasy by sending out cards again this year. Now I wonder if they look silly, or stupid, or egotistical. I suppose I'll find out soon enough. But I felt I needed to do something, to say something. Maybe I just need a bit of decoration here, but there's limitted space and until I move into something bigger and better, a tree would be in the way.

I sat singing tonight with friends at the shop. Silly stuff, but it was nice. There's a wierd feeling to be had for finding yourself syncronized with folks in voice. We made up lyrics on the fly, doo-wopped a bit, and laughed a lot. Could I honestly go back to performing? Do I have that in me anymore? Part of me craves that artistic outlet. I want the stage again, but it comes with a price that's rather heavy. Loss of time, lack of sleep, possibly lack of income and I think I've just become too lazy. I look for a muse and then think in a second later, what's the point. Didn't we play this game once before? Haven't I grown up some and moved into something new? So why does it still pull at me?

I need more moonlit walks. I need more forests and rivers and pathways to wander while I talk. Concrete surrounds me a great deal and my own little garden is looking cold and lonely. I know it will come back and I will want to be out there more, but now it's simply something I have to tend until Spring when it will come back to me.

I wish I knew where the muses went. Did I turn my back on them? They turn their backs on me? Where is it? Where did I lose myself again to the world? Something must be done but I don't know what it is. In the meantime, I shall try again and again to be the person I want to be. I'll be the one that tries to live the proper way, give a little more, do the things I always thought should be done. To hell with money. What's it anyway but paper with only the value that we put on it. I hate it, but I hate feeling helpless without it. I know I need to push myself more...I'm just stuck in a rut spinning my wheels and trying to get myself out of the mud.

Reminder: You have people that love and care about you whether or not you know it. You have people that love and care about you when you think maybe you don't. You are NOT alone in all of this. Be thankful, and show them that you love them too.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be loved.

Saturday

Providence. Noun. 1a often capitalized : divine guidance or care b capitalized : God conceived as the power sustaining and guiding human destiny

It rains. It pours and yet I'm still protected. Providence intervenes for me. So many things that seemed to be going out right wrong lately. I hermitized them all inside myself, not willing mostly to open up about it all.

The day should have been a good one. Breakfast after a nice long leasurely shower...playing around later on my Itunes to make my mix for the Pod to get me through the day. Breakfast is always at my favourite little place near home. They know me well enough that I don't have to order. It's comforting. I chat with the wait staff. It's like a little slice of home coming every weekend....until you realize you locked your keys in your car. Still it was like a little home because of the care and genuine worry from T as she asked what was wrong.

$50 dollars and half an hour in the wind whipping up from the incoming storm later, I am in my car and driving home. I'm pissed. I'm pretty much broke by this stupidity. My secondary set of keys to the studio and the extra car key (which I found thank the Goddess) were sitting here on my desk. But....again, providence intervened. Having been the foolish soul that believes in saving his change in a large bag, I found (thanks to coin machine) I had saved $58 dollars. The car was paid for and I am back in the slightly blackish section of finances for the moment.

The Divine does take care of us. When things go wrong, there's usually something good coming soon after I'm learning slowly. Love for instance. Love never goes away. Never forsakes you. Is a constant if it is true. For that I am eternally greatful. I would be lost if not for love. Now, looking at things through slightly fresher eyes, I realize that my love is just as strong as ever, and that all my fears were for nothing.

Things may change. That's the nature of life. Things have a way to doing and undoing themselves around us like a beautiful cord. But the cord is always there, simply slightly a different configuration from what it had been.

Am I still happy? Yeah. The stress and repulsion of my day in day out working situation still bothers me, but I'm happy. I have people that love and care for me. Money will come and go, but love is constant and does conquer all. Don't for one moment ever doubt that. Don't forget that. And don't forget that Divine Providence is out there reguardless of what others may think. The Goddess provides for me. She listens and gives me what I need, maybe not always how I expect it, but I know in my heart that She is there watching out for me.

There are people that I feel I need to say something to right now and that is;

I love you Ryan. You remain my little brother always. Remember one thing, your brother is always here when you need me, good or bad times. And Mikey, I hope that you know that should you need me, I'll be there for you as well.

I love you Jon. I will always love you and will be here. You bring so much happiness to me. Words can't begin to say thank you enough.

My friend Jim, you remain a wonderous man and one that I am very pleased to have in my life. You're friendship means more than I can say.

Thank you Rey for all that you've done for me, for all the friendship that you show, and the insight that you give.

Brad, you amaze me at times. I'm very glad that we've met and I hope that I can eventually get out to see you and Justin. I'll bring the cold lemonaide for the porch.

And to all my other friends, just know how appreciated you truly are. I haven't said that enough lately, and I'm sorry. If I don't seem to tell you all enough, you are all wonderous people who have enriched my life, and are greatly appreciated.

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD! Be Loved!

Tuesday

It's cold in here. It's been that way for a while and I can't seem to warm it up. What do you do when the outside invades? Can you shut it all out eventually? Can you muddle through? Can you see the stars through the clouds. Just to know that they're there. That it's real.

I lived in dreams a lot. Live in my head a lot. Forget that sometimes things aren't like that dream. Can I make it so? Is it all fantasy, or is it realizations? Do dreams ever actually end? I hate the idea of what if. I hate the idea of what if realities.

Right now, I need my boyfriend more than ever. I just want him here with me. Just to snuggle up next to, or watch him sleep, or just to have someone to say hello to when I come home. I wonder if that's really too much to ask of the Universe?

Hey, go and check out Inside Stephen . His post of a bit o' poetry was just....well it was about me, but about him, but about me. Maybe that's why I love poetry. It reaches inside of you, grabs ahold of something, and you feel connection.

Sunday

Is it enough? Yeah....to me it is. There's a sense of faith and trust that I haven't had before. Sometimes hard to deal with, but, nonetheless I wouldn't change anything. But am I doing enough? That's the big issue to me. Could I do things better, work harder, try harder? yeah...I think I could, and I'm planning on doing just that.

My Christmas plans are ... well a bit stimied until tomorrow night when I can hopefully get this damn picture done. Why do I want to send out cards? Because it's one of the few ways I can show folks how much they mean to me and that their friendship means a lot. Sometimes something little, even a card, means a great deal (specially when you're as sentimental as I am).

The mindspace has been really wierd for me lately. Stress at work, should be eating better...a lot of those little things that remind me that I need to not take my job so seriously. Need to get away from it being my life, because if I don't, I'm worried that I'm going to miss something miraculous. Still...maybe it's just time to change up again? Move on to a new job? Maybe I just need to change me a little.

My nephew smiled at me tonight. Then an amazing thing happened...I got my first giggle from him. Yes, silly uncle stuff but it seems to be a big hit with him! he smiled and giggled at me, grabbed my fingers and ate one for a while (hey, baby drool ain't so bad when it's your nephew ok!), and damn but do I love him. He may not be my kid, but I love that little bugger. Course, I love his folks too. They ... well I don't know what to say about them. They're just wonderful people who I'm glad are my friends.

Deconstruction of the studio began. I'm throwing out things finally. Part of my past is leaving me forever and thank the Goddess! I've found more space, but now I feel I need to really organize it. Small spaces can be difficult when you don't do this house cleaning often enough. Boxes of stuff you never use...gone! Next it's going to have to be things like books which is going to be SO damn hard to get rid of. Course, I have a used bookstore so..credit towards MORE book! Luckily for me though....they usually don't have much of what i want to read so, I guess the credit will go to buying those books I meant to read and never did. I want to read the classics more. Want to delve into things like Cantebury Tales, Moby Dick, 1984, and Keats and Shelley. It helps though that they do sell graphic novels (the comics thank you) so I can feed that moster a bit too.

I hope to soon have this place in shape. I hope to figure out what to do about the job situation cause i do want a bigger place. I want to have a place for me and Jon one day. All that good stuff in my head. Yes, I gush. But who gives a crap? He makes me happy and I love him. So why the hell wouldn't I want to give him the world? But first, I guess it's gotta start with me getting off my ass and finishing cleaning...then figuring out the job and all that stuff.

Guess cleaning it therapudic, cobwebs are gone, old negativity vanishing, and now all that room for good stuff. Yeah...*smile* I already got good stuff, but I plan on making more...for everyone.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

Saturday night mental ramble

It only takes a little word every now and then. Just something to remind you how lucky you are. I'm forced to remember this fact because I am the luckiest man I know of. Sometimes it is hard to remember that when the world hits ya in the face. But there are always people that, quite unknowingly, show ya how lucky you are.

Why is is that we are so caught up in the world around us? I'm the worst of it. I think I need thicker skin at times. I was good before and had this castle keep that only I could get into. An inner-sanctum that I would hole myself up in. Friends were allowed everywhere else, but only I had the key to that door in me. Now, it's more like a chamber lushly set all velvet and candle lit, with an access key but only one other person gets to have that, and and I gave that to my man.

I worry too much. Always have. Needing to find the way to deal with that other than just stewing about things. I'm thinking that it's time again to get deep down in my religioun. Not go hog wild about it, but be more diligent to some degree. I always forget that They are there until I need something badly. That's not what it should be. My beliefs say that I should be able to access the Universe all times good or bad and should remember that, not just go to Them when things are bad. But then again I don't always do that. Hell, half the time I've been thanking Them like crazy. Just seems that I need to spend a little more time working with and listening to Them.

My spirituality says that there is limitless options out there. We all have amazing power within us and yet I forget that. Silly me...They're with me all the damn time and I talk with Them every night and morning and still, I forget.

I think about folks all the time. I wonder how they are, wonder what's going on for them, care about them and still don't email or call. How do I break that? How to not get caught up in the day to day?? There has to be a way to do this and I know I need to work on that. Which brings to mind the want for a better job and more money which brings to mind the day to day aspects which makes me slightly crazy for remembering now to not think about it. ... I think I need a major time spent in some meditation...or something. Makes me smile in that, "damn I'm an idiot" way cause I know all of this now, but tomorrow??

It all seems so petty when I look at it, cause I know that I have this amazing boyfriend who loves me, so how can anything bad? And I have friends that love me, so bad could it be? And I love Jon more than there are words for it in any language, so what's to complain about? My friend Brad helped me remember tonight that indeed, like I said before, love can conquer all. And no matter what comes at me..I have my friends, and I have a man that I love beyond measure...and he loves me....and that makes all the world all right. So all the petty little problems that come at me.... well they can all take a flyin fuck! Cause I got love, and lots of it from all sort of folks.

And best of all to me, I have a man that truly is amazing. Sweet, kind, funny, yes adorable...and god how I love him. And THAT truly is a blessing.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Late night Friday/Saturday morning

My boyfriend Jon reminds me, daily, of what a person should be. How? Because he's the one that reminded me that we should be more accepting of everyone as they are. Here's one of the most beautiful people (inside and out) that you'd ever meet, and he's smarter than I am half the time. Thank you babe for showing me how to "roar" at night and vent what needs to be.

People can do stupid shit. They tend to get under my skin and work their ways into my brain and make me crazy. No, literally I feel that I got crazy and the worst things come to my brain at a million miles. It's like particals travelling at light speed and they won't be able to be stopped to be examined. This causes me to open my mouth and vomit out things that sometimes even I didn't know I was going to say.

But I have my baby. I have this beautiful man to constantly remind me that there are people who make me sane, keep me sane, and accept things for what they are. Hell, it's been a long journey for me from friends to being in love. An amazing journey that I'm still taking and never want to get off this wierd ride. As long as Jon is there, what do I care what people do or say or think?

My friends will always be there and that I know. The people in my life that love and accept me unconditionally will always be there, and for that I'm greatful. My fam will always be the Endless through out eternity and there for me whether I know it or not (yes I know this by strange means otherwise known to me as The Universe)
....but I was blessed to have this amazing man to love, who loves me and seems to help me grow. And I will walk through fires with him and for him. Can i just say unequivically....Jon, you make my world so much brighter, and thank you for all that you are, all that you do for me, and for being my man. You are my heart.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!

World AIDS Day

Feeling as if I am the last to know this. Torrow is World AIDS Day. Thanks to my friend Rey for posting the link below. Please go there and light a candle. Share a story if you have one. Mine goes out to Gerald...my beautiful friend who is missed still.

https://www.lighttounite.org/

Thursday...and a secret revealed

Phase one of my Christmas plans in action. Now I have to get the photo together for my cards. And why send them? Because people need to know, even if only at one or two times of the year how special they are. How even if you don't talk for long periods of time that they are cared for and thought about. And it's Christmas for cryin out loud! Last year, there was no spirit for me....but this year I want to wrap up presents for the world!

My man....Jon :) What can I say other than I'm dreaming of the time Jon and I can be together. Fantasy of sitting infront of a fire on Christmas eve with all our loved ones with us...together. I wish I knew how to truly say to him how much I love him and how much he means to me. Maybe that's the essence of love though that there are no words....just feeling. All I know is that he makes me happy, makes me feel like everything is all right. Just looking at his picture does this to me. "Is that the way love acts?" someone asked me...my answer is, "Fuckin A right it is!"

What to do about the family? The blood relatives. Presents need to be sent. I need to get a passport as well, and expidited because I'm getting sent for 4 days to Costa Rica in January. (at least it's going to be warm!) Mostly business going to see production at one of the farms we buy coffee from, but there is a few days freetime for me and my coworker. So how do I afford presents, passport, and still manage things like rent, utitilities? Guess that's what Christmas is about though...cause I don't really care about the money that much. Rent being paid and the phone and PG&E....I've learned to eat creatively when need be.

My little brother Ryan said in a comment " i love buyin gifts they feelin it gives me inside kinda like when mikeys near." (Mikey being his boyfriend) and he's right. I think that feeling of finding just the right thing for someone. Or surprising someone that wasn't expecting anything and watching their eyes light up. That's my joy on Christmas and giving presents. Yes I am also greedy and love getting presents, but to some degree I actually prefer the giving. This year having someone I feel so committed to in love, well I want to shower my babe with presents but I'm not sure the pocket will allow that. Maybe it's time to get creative again.

There is so much love. So much love flowing lately just in general that I feel that the world must be gearing up for something wonderous. Collective mind attempting to make changes for the better. Certainly the news can be proof of the opposite, but if we could all just work together...just that little time taken thinking about making the world a more loving place? Hell, then maybe it would be Christmas every day. Or at least, we could have a little more peace and understanding and that's not so bad either.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Tuesday and it's cold

Damn it's cold in here. I want to lite my oven up just to heat the studio, turn on my space heater, wrap myself in a blanket with hot tea..and hopefully then my hands won't feel like they're slightly disconnected from my body (and more feeling will flow into the ends of my fingers).

I'm back to money as an issue. The more I try and save, the more I want to spend. Christmas an all that coming. Cards need to be made. I hate traditional cards, and I have the program but what's the picture?? I have an idea or two. And the realization that i need adresses, and then to get them all to the post office by next week. Yeah....I want it done early. I want to send them to my friends and family. I want to do more though.

I took down a post yesterday because i hated how it read. Part of the jist was the want to have a wad of cash to blow on presents for those folks that I love and adore. I know that I have the ability to get a few presents, but it always gets to me a little that I can't seem to do what I want at Christmas. God save me if I had an actual credit card. Folks would think I was a millionare. So much I feel I want to do, and there is time to do it...and I'm tired after work, and I should eat better so I'm not tired after work, and I should push myself....but not today. That seems to be the motto and it has to change starting tomorrow. I was always good at pushing myself at the theatre, now I just have to learn it again.

And then, there's my man. My man that makes me feel something that I haven't felt in possibly 7 years. We laugh together, talk late into the night, and somewhere in that wierd void of the phone...he's there next to me. I can feel him there, but I can't touch him like I want to. Yeah, sometimes in a dirty way but mostly just to have him in my arms. Be able to kiss him gently as he sleeps so as not to wake him up. I feel like he's brought something back to life in me that I had forgotten or thought had died a long time ago. I'll find a way though. I may be stupid romantic, but I honestly feel that love CAN conquer anything. It just takes some time sometimes.

And ya know, I am still thankful for little things. I think about the people I met at Pride last year and know how really great this group of guys are, even if I'm a slug who doesn't call them or hang out with them. And I have Dan and Hawley and my nephew nearby, which is really nice to me. And I have my family that for whatever may come in this stupid world...we are the Endless and always will be connected. And all this makes me happy. And all my friends make me happy. And all the new people I'm meeting make me happy. So who says that you need tons of cash and flashy cars and all that rot? Momma Universe done provide, and that my friends is pretty damn cool in my books.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD!! Be Loved!

A New Name

And the ponderment begins. I wanted to change the title of my blog. I'm tired of people hitting my site because they want to know something about a rock group. Silly, but it bothers me. Do I do it? And the oddest thing is would people still be able to find me if I do? Still the same site adress I suppose, but I think it's time to change it.

Certainly I am still in the frey. I am going through it constantly in life. But now, my life has changed. Things are better. I am growing more I think. And he is there as well and it doesn't seem to lost anymore.

And where am I going? No clue still, but I know that there is something greater out there on the horizen. I can feel it. I can almost taste it at times. Now if I can only get there, not lose the momentum. Stretch myself a bit more. Grow further.

I want so much at times, but don't know how to get it. I see how to and then lose sight of it. Hopes and dreams, wants and desires. Dreams. Dreams are the constant. Now to turn those into realities, by what? By my own power. I know that I have it within me, and I'm trying to tap into it, but it's difficult sometimes. I lose sight of things as I get caught up in day to day life and forget my self. But I know that the Universe has better things planned for me and I simply have to find my way with Their help....and that of friends and family.

Do I get misread at times? Yeah, I think so. It's hard to understand context and tone when reading someone's post at times. I worry that people might read the opposite of what I feel, or misunderstand what it is I'm feeling, or simply not get it. Hard to write from an emotional place when it is that of joy, or contentment, or love. I'm still in a state of where I am just happy. I'm happy with the knowledge that I am loved by a lot of people, and love so many as well. And so, through this thought I think that this site's name will change. It will have something to do with love, and the night, and the moon because She is my love and heart.

Religious belief and faith are difficult at best at times. She is the major constant though. She who has talked with me, listened to my voice and offered up council, and yes even comforted me at times. I could gaze at her for hours on end. Selene is my mother, and friend, and shoulder at times. I am so greatful for my faith, and it's only getting stronger lately. And I am lucky that I can turn my face up and see Her almost every night.

So, I believe I have found the name. Spontaneous as it just was to me. Through The Night By Moonlight. And that is how I hope to go. Hand in hand with so many people, holding my man with my arm across his shoulder closely, and walking down a path with the ones I love laughing and contented.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving day. It's come and gone. It was quiet for me. Nice too. Piece and quiet sort of is needed at times. The world get so hectic with work, and this and that. A lovely bit of lamb for dinner, some chicken stock simmering on my stove, and talking with people on the phone made the day enjoyable.

Time used to be linear. Now, it seems it's faster or slower, not constant. A minute talking with him on the phone has actually been a hour. And I slip through time again and again catching those minutes in my hand, and holding them for all they're worth.

News from the homefront seemed disheartening to some degree. They are after all my blood relations and family. Now I have to contend with the knowledge that I should have been more accepting, more forgiving, a better person to some degree. It's not that anyone is dead or diing, but still, where the hell is my compassion? Where did I lose myself again and again and again? I picked up a spell book for the first time in I don't know how long today and realized what I have the potential to do. I think it's time.

But I am thankful. I have friends that while they may be next door or miles away are amazingly sweet and caring. I have the fam that while I do not see them often, are there reguardless. I have a love, someone that hides away in my heart to make me smile. Who could ask for more than that? What do I need with prestige or fame? I am loved, and I love them all back. If that is not something to be thankful for, what is?

I feel as if I slipped away again. I don't know where I went exactly, but I need to pull myself back. It happened once before and I swore I wouldn't do it this time around. And I have him there, someone to remind me of why I need to be better. After all, I want him to have a man that he can be proud of.

There are so many people to say I love you to and thank for being my friends. When the day is over, and it's quiet in the world and I can finally think, it's thought of my baby and my friends. Certainly I want things for myself. I want better than I have at the moment, but that can come in time. And if I never have it? Would I rather be rich and famous and not have these people or my babe? No. I'd rather be poor, content, and have the love I feel for and from people. That's what I need to remember.

So thank you. Thank you little brother. Thank you Mikey. Thank you Rey. Thank you Jim. Thank you Steve. Thank you Kalvin. Thank you Dan. Thank you Alden. Thank you Ari. Thank you Miladsya. Thank you Brad. Thank you Nathan. Thank you Simon. Thank you Gerald, you are not forgotten although not with us now. Thank you Francesco for reminding me of the power of faith (whether you know it or not). Thank you Sue. Thank you Pete. Thank you Philly. Thank you J. Thank you Dan and Hawley. Thank you Chryssa, my little sister. Thank you James, my brother. Thank you Doll, my sister who I wish I could tell how much I truly love. Thank you Dave, my brother. Thank you all who instill in me feelings of being cared for and loved that I may not have mentioned. There really are so many of you out there to say thank you to.

Thank you babe. You took me from a place where I was drifting and brought me back to life whehter you knew it or not. Good times or bad, we'll go through it together. I'm there to lift you up, just as I know you're there to do the same for me. I can't think of anything else to be more greatful or thankful for.

I am sentimental. I am sappy. I am a big push over at times. But to feel this much love reminds me that I am alive, and that is good. I hope that everyone's day was fill with joy, and food, and festivities...or simply a time to sit and relax, to smile, to just be. And if there was anyone left orphaned as so many of us can be at the holiday times...you do have a family, and you are loved, if only by we fellow solitary few.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!

Saturday night

Feeling like I should write something. Feeling like there is more to be told but for some reason it's not being told to me by me. One of those odd feelings of knowing that there is something on your mind that seemed important but obviously it was fleeting.

Tomorrow I will wake early. I plan on 6:30am on a Sunday, one of my day's off when I can sleep in. Why? Because I'm a fool who wants to own a Nintendo Wii. What silliness this is in reality. It's just as silly as wanting to see a movie opening day, when you know that you would see it any other given day. There's no need to own it tomorrow. There is simply a want.

While the day was mellow today, and I did sleep past when I normally would have been up any day during the week, I feel tired. I feel slightly off today because I haven't actually heard his voice today. Long talks into the night definately make up for the lack of sleep I sometimes have. And there is always the option of a nap midday any given day of the week. Still, I miss it. Perhaps that's the problem. I want him here now. Right now it's not feasable, but it's what I wish for. Why? Because I want to have him there to wake up next to.

Finally, tonight, someone seemed excited for me again. At work I showed my coworker the picture I have in my wallet and she smiled and said how happy she was for me. It's nice to hear after being ignored to some degree, or had my emotions called into question when I bring him up to people. Shouldn't my friend's be excited or happy for me? Yeah..I think they should. Things like this don't happen to me, or didn't happen to me, or haven't happend to me in a long time.

I feel like I walk a fine line sometimes. I walk that line with people where I want to help them out, but don't know what to do for them. Gman tonight obviously needed some motivational force to get him out of a funk, but I didn't know what to say. His questions had no answers from me which is unusual. Did I think that he would make a good actor? Well hell man, how should I know without seeing him try? He's feeling lost as so many people seem to be lately. I know I was. I don't know how to get them back onto a path, how to help them find a way or a walk to walk. Hell, I have enough troubles sometimes to do that for me. At least I have what I believe in to fall back on in those times.

Funny. Looking at his pictures I have to smile to myself. Looking at his picture I feel a million different emotions at the same time. I've never been exactly sure what it was like to be "in love", but I think I have a good idea. And I keep asking over and over again, this is really happening isn't it? And the only answer I can find within and without is yes. I used to run from emotions, sometimes run to them, and now it's a bit confusing but good. He's in my heart and I'm not going to let that go. And it makes me happy knowing he's out there.

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD! Be Loved!

Thursday

He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. And someone had said "does love act like that?", and I say that love is different for everyone. You're relationship is different from mine. Don't deny that. We'll never have it the same way. And then someone else offered the words of wisdom..."Sod the world" and I know that she's right. And i can't begin to tell her how much I appreciate that little pearl.

Work is work. Day to day life is what it is, but at night, things all change and I get to talk with him. The world does go away for a while. It's just us and the phone but we're there together somewhere. Is the astral plane really just in my mind, or can we reach it together somehow? From my personal spiritual experience, I know it's a valid question.

So what do I tell people now? What do I tell mom, my brothers? My fam is always going to know these things one way or another, but I feel like jumping with joy and screaming it to them. I want them to all be ok with whatever may come.

Why is it that months ago I was so scared of this? And now it's all I think I want. Silly man me. Silly stupid man who's happy and content but still fears that it will all have been a dream. Then again, I am Morphius therefore I control dream. This one is staying!

And no more losing my religion. No more forgetting the other people in my life. More than one of them has already been there, and I know that they all are when I need them. I just need to remember that and learn to make them know it.

He's all I think about sometimes, and then the world intrudes and work happens and I get home, and I think about him again. God life is pretty fuckin good sometimes.

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD! Be Loved!

Tuesday

And the world turns....and the universe spins, but it wouldn't be the same without him there. Yes, I'm smitten, bitten, attacked by feelings that I can't always explain. And it's good. And it's frightening. And I feel so much more alive than I have in a long time.

I get scared easily. I'm a cat by nature. My panther is always there because I've seen him and talked to him in meditations. He has a name that I won't share. I feel it's sacred. But I am a cat by nature and we are somewhat skiddish animals. You try and pet us sometimes and we run from you. We're not always sure what to do with affection. We freak at the littlest thing, but we also find so much joy in a simple touch.

It's been a long time since I found myself in this situation. And it's good. And it feels right. And it's what I want. Now to see if I can get the rest of it working. The career...the motivations....the work that needs to be done.

But for now, I'll let the world turn while I spin in the Universe's blessing. And try and not forget myself in it again as I did once. Not lose those others that are in my heart. But there's one that's growing in my soul now as well. Having been hurt, I'm cautious, but hopeful, and happy.

Be safe. Be well. BE PROUD! Be Loved!

The smile has returned

The song makes me think of him. Probably always will now. It makes me smile. The video clips were pretty cool too and makes me wonder what I can do here with my programs. It's rather inspirational to some degree.

I woke up today and wondered if he was awake yet. Wondered if his day was going well. Every morning I say good morning to people who live in my heart. I greet them as I'm about to open the shop, throwing out my love to them through the empty skies. I never know if they can feel it, or hear it, but it's my morning ritual. Just something to let them know that I'm thinking about them and love them. Today was no different really, but it is to some degree. The bounce was back in my sleep deprive step, and names had changed places in this mantra of love.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Chasing cars

One of my favourite songs with clips from Get Real (which was a great movie)!

Today

Damn it! I had a post. Yes, an updated post with a lot of what was on my mind and I can't recreate it because I type stream of conciousness. What goes through my head flows out of my fingers and then poof it's on this page....and in closing a window I closed my browser and poof....it was no more.

The jist? Life has been somewhat trying and surreal and I have so many questions wandering around in my brain you would think that it was a convention in there. Not just a nice little convention but something like putting both Democrats and Republicans together during the Presidential election season...in the same building!

And here I was simply trying to explain where I was and what was going on...sigh.

I decided that my blog is actually now for me. Don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it's intent was an online diary to let my friends know what was going on (sometimes). It may become cryptic for some folks...hell, I may say things that will make absolutely no sense to anyone but me. Basically, I need this space right now to sort out my life to some degree.

Yes, I will always believe in the powers of peace and love. I will probably always be somewhat political. I will always have things to rant about in terms of injustice in the world. But....I'm not sure I'm going to be posting about topical things anymore for a while. I honestly need to sort things out.

Now if I could just find a nice bit of nature to go wandering in for say...oh, a complete afternoon, maybe I could piece together what's going on in my little grey cells. I'm convinced that nature is the ultimate meditation site. Honestly, there are few if any distractions. And I think I need to get out there and just have a VERY long talk with what it is that I believe in because They know better than I do.

While my last post was rather a downer, all I can say is that the past couple of weeks have been a bit up and waaaay down. Fear crept in for a while. I thought I would lose my friend forever who I honestly never want to be without. Too many questions through the brain. Customers that were annoying and the problem of do I want to continue where I am. How do I move on? How do I let go if I have to? Where am I going? What am I to do if not this? Can I ever get where I really want to be in life and where exactly is that? How can I go back to where I had been without him?

Yeah....like I said, cryptic and that's life ya know? No easy answers. And I honestly have to walk those paths alone sometimes. Put on the pretty smile for the customers while I ponder all this. Paste on the smile and say "I'm ok" because I didn't want to talk about anything with anyone. Sort it out myself. Touch the Universe for a little help and simply pray.

Ah hell...life will sort itself out in time. It always has. I'm like a bad pennie, I keep turning back up :) I have been kicked around, seeming thought I was going to be crushed and never come back, maybe should have died on the odd occaission or worse...but I'm still here. Blessing and a curse at times to be a survivor because, well I don't know what else to do but keep on keeping on.

*mental note* Always remember that you survived from 7 years ago. You didnt crumble. You didn't fold. You made it through almost all alone. Your bootstraps are strong and you can pull the shit out of them when need be.

Ah well...back to cleaning the hovel.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Today

Do you ever feel like you're living a song? I mean really, song titles come through my brain at a fevered pace lately to explain to me what's happening in my life. Then again my world somewhat revolves around music. It's the one saving grace I can always fall back on when times are wierd, or bad, or good. Stuff to uplift you, stuff to mellow you out, stuff to make you want to cry, stuff to make you shake it all cross the floor. (which in my case is about to be vacumed)

Let's just say that the past two weeks have been a bit surreal. I know part of it was adjusting to getting back from two trips and two concerts. It's a bit disorienting when you don't really go anywhere much. After all, it had been two years almost since I had taken my last vacation from work. At that point, I had gone to Disneyland with my fam for the first time. So, two years later, I wound up back there again...with my brother and sister.

Now the reason I bring this up is partially because there is a great let down after coming home from vacation. Post partum blues I guess. And the wierdest thing is not realizing how much I wish I was in the park where things are always nice, and clean, and....well happy. So I started realizing that the shop I work for sometimes is really just a very negative place. I'm not sure if this has to do with co-workers, customers, or me. Not all my customers are annoying, and as a matter of fact there are at least two that I can say I love very much. They've become very good friends. But the others....well day to day drudgery can get to you and I am highly considering how to change this. I need to break routine life, but I'm not sure exactly how that is going to come about yet.

And this all begs the question to me again of, "what are you doing with your life?" Don't know how many of you question this and/or how often but it's really a stickler. On one hand, there is nothing wrong with my job and my studio. On the other, I have little money and seemingly no time to go out at night without the peril of waking up late for work (which can NOT happen). So where is the medium? Is it in another job that's more an 8-5? Is it in me myself? Questions question questions. They are truly annoying to me. The reason being, I can't find the answers yet and I think I know how to get them but I never seem to have that time I so want to just wander somewhere in the woods and talk to what I believe in. (Yes I believe that nature helps you think things through better because there are less distractions)

Well, hopefully this is not the downer of a post as my last one was. Just surfice to say that life can kick ya in the balls at times and all you can do, or rather all I try to do, is try to stay standing and smiling like nothing happened. Hell, I'm like a cockroach. Seriously, I am I think sometimes. I've been in places where I probably should have been dead or stark raving mad by now...but I'm still here and going strong. More to the point, whether I like it or not sometimes, I'm a surivor.

I know that a lot of folks blog about politics, music, what have you....but for now this is my online diary of sorts until further notice. Cryptic messages may appear, things may seem random. That's life though. Cryptic and random babies.

Back to cleaning my hovel ;)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

He surfaces, then dives back again

Yes....It's been a while....again. I don't really have anything to post about. It's been a bit odd for me lately and, well .... I haven't felt like posting. Sometimes real life takes over and you have to deal with that ya know?

So you want to know what's been on my mind? K, here goes. Work and how I realized today that I'm not happy there really. I need a new job, but I don't know what to look for. Remember, yours truly spent 10 years of his life building sets and creating sound designs for a small community theatre. Before that it was all sorts of odd things, but mostly retail work. In the long run, I'm really not qualified for much hehe. Being good with people is one thing, but that only really gets you so far eh? Still, somethin's gotta give because I'm realizing more and more that I want to be able to financially do things I just can't right now. (like find a bigger place to live!)

What else is going on? Sadly nothing. Since going to Disneyland I've been kinda stuck in a rut and feeling broke. You ever notice that when you have not much in terms of money you get a little restless? Well that's me. Trying not to worry about money and wondering how to get more money and then of course....where do we go from here?

So, yeah, I haven't written about New York. I haven't really even written about anything lately but I just have been trying to deal with life and it's not been necessarily on my terms anymore. I have no clue where I'm really going. I know that I have a pretty good job and it keeps me in my studio here and pays for me to eat, and sometimes go out....but it's just not enough to scrape by anymore is what I'm finding.

Yeah I know, I know...pity me. Boo Hoo and all that rot. Well I'm not lookin for pitty, just puttin out what it is. Course, the knowledge that I have some friends that I wouldn't trade an entire Sultan's fortune for....yeah :) Makes life a little easier.

It's wierd that my friends, especially two or three people, can be your entire world. I honestly think that I'd be lost without them and I know I'm not lying about that. It's almost as if they're a part of my soul. No....strike that....they ARE part of my soul. And whether or not they read this, I think they know that I love them more than words can say. And who are they? Well....sorry folks but that's just not something I care to divulge. Surfice to say that they know about my site here and I'm not sure if they reading it or not, but to them, I have to say you are in a part of my heart and soul that no one else can ever reach.

And Jesus....it just struck me that I've been doing this for over a year now. THAT is kinda scary.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Happy Halloween (or Samhain if your a pagan)

It's been a while my kittens. Sorry but trying to renegotiate my life after :

1. Going to New York which I'm still planning on writing about
2. Seeing Dresden Dolls the Friday I got back
3. Seeing Bob Dylan the Tuesday after the Friday of the Dresden Dolls after I got back from New York
4. Going to Disneyland with my brother and sister Doll and James this past Wends-Saturday a week after seeing Bob Dylan the Tuesday after the Dresden Dolls on Friday after I got back from New York....

Whoo....well, it's been a hell of a month! But today is Halloween. It's a rather sacred time for us Pagans, and it's a time when I get together with the Fam and get all gothed up and go to dinner and look utterly gothy chic! Tonight will be no different. Dinner at 7 and I need to get my best goth gear out and paint m'nails black so I look ever so dead and lovely.

At work though, different matter. This year I did something completely unexpected of me and didn't go gothy, I went as....an Ace. Not the card sillies, but a Flying Ace. Don't believe me? Well just look below. (the field was lovely this time of year and my plane was....well ok it's me in my costume but I kinda mucked with the rest of the stuff in the picture)



So there ya have it. I hope that everyone's Halloween is a great one. It's the time when the earth goes to sleep for a while. A time to build thing for next year, start growing those plans, basically...Pagan New Years. Keep watching the skies....I'll be back for a safe landing sometime soon.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be LOVED!!

Mercy, Mercy, Mercy (which inspired this post thank you Cannonball Adderly)

Now I know that all you groove-kittens are waiting to see what the word is on the Chronicals of New York, but that's gonna have to wait a bit. Why? Cause I need more time to wrap my brain around it all actually. I'm still in a bit of a spin here. It's almost Friday which means I have been back almost a week and it seems as if a day went by. Scary no? Well dig it babies, there will be the word, oh yes there will. And I'll preach it like no other. Tales to curl your hairs, make ya cry, make ya laugh, and maybe make ya smile. And yes, there are pictures galour.

Tonight though, I been thinking about a little somethin that bugs me off and on. Somethin that I can't seem to get much past in the last couple of years and that is..."whatcha gonna do with your life?"

Now when you're growing up you are asked constantly what you want to be right? I never said, I wanna be working at a coffee shop slingin' the joe for folks that may or may not care. I first wanted to be a surgeon. How's that for a kick in the rubber parts eh? Well that didn't work out cause school and I don't have the same feelings for each other. So I wound up wanting to be an actor. Ok, that's a groove I could dig on. And I did. I did that groove for over 15 years out of my 40. I wasn't ever a "pro", but I had my moments ya know? And I don't like the idea of braggin, so just have it on the lowdown that I have worked on two feature films...once as a featured extra which got paid for it. Then, it all came crashing down on me and I couldn't handle it much more. So, here I am a coffee pusher doin my best to get through it.

Now, lately I've been thinking which is dangerous as we all know. I started recording my buddy's blog just for fun since I don't have the dosh yet to grab my own hostings to do podcastings and I'm not entirely sure what I'd do there anyways. And it hit me as I sit there reading in my ... er ... library on a magazine about videogames. It was an article about voice work and actors that do it. Well there ya go. I figured, why not try and be a voice actor. I got the acting thing under my belt. I got a lot of different characters I can do vocally, plus a pleathora of dialects I can do reasonably well. Now the hard part babies...how do ya go out there and do it. That's the part I have to start lookin into.

But I digressed from the bomchicka I was puttin down which was this...if you didn't grow up to be what you wanted to be, what keeps us from doing something else that we might want? No one said that you have to do that 9-5 grinding forevr at where you're at right? So what if you change up the records in your personal jukebox a little and come back to the tunes you dig later? Maybe you wanted to be a jazz sax man (and who wouldn't?), but ya realize that blowin your axe isn't making the cash. So, dig the 9-5 business deal for a while and come back to blowin on the side til you can do the "Axin' is my life" for pay. Course what I'm puttin down also doesn't garauntee that there's cash in your pockets but hey...that's life babies.

Guess I'm learnin slowly that life is just a dream and you really gotta go out there and grab some of it. Hell, one little slice of my mind of New York that is ingrained at this point was walking down West 10th trying to get to Union Square by hoofin' it, and the earphones in as I slid down the street to my dance mix I pushed together. The whole feel was magic like anything could happen, and there wasn't a care in the world, just me and the beat and my feet and the street. And babies, I could see myself from outside myself and I was smilin all the way down to my toes which were rockin it out as I pedulated and swung it down the pavement.

And that my babies it what keeps me smilin right now. The knowledge that I may not be there, and it may not be the scene at the moment, but anything can happen for the best. Hell, maybe I'll try and learn me to play the sax and push some blues out there which is gonna burn up the night sky like a cryin' pheonix. And I garauntee ya this....somewhere someone's feet are gonna tap and twiddle down a street boppin and sloppin it with a smile in their souls.

Til next time groove-niks, hepcats, and lovely lovely ladies. Don't be worryin bout the changes that may come, cause you can always change em up again. Now get out there and do some livin'!

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Holy Cr...WTF?!

And the hits keep coming my little kittens! Hey hey hey and a wompbamboo, cause I feel fully rested today and there's interesting news to report.

Now, for those of you that are looking for the dirty pictures, believe me I'm working on it. I wound up putting all my pictures into the puter last night from both memory cards of my camera.....yeah I took around 200 over 4 days! So, there's some editting to be done cause some are a bit too dark, some are bit too bright. You get the idea. And the chronicals of New York are definitely coming...just when I got home yesterday after work, I crashed hard. (anyone but me ever gone to bed at 2am, gotten up at 5:30 and went to work until noon?....long day, and I was loopy as hell even though I work at a coffee shop!)

So, this weekend is another liver bender. The illustrious and notorious Jeff Skybar is heading into the fair city of San Fran. I can hear my body screaming a little bit, but hey...when do ya get to see the Skyman? I'm not sure how much drinking is going to be invovled but I'm thinkin' that I need to find an alternative to driving ;)

And, on a more personal note, my friend D had started a blog about my nephew Brenden. (the cutest baby on the face of the planet thank you very much for asking even if you didn't so there neener!) I had the wierd idea to start recording them for fun. So, sitting here at night I would record a couple of the posts and eventually slapped them onto a cd in MP3 format to let him hear them. Well he liked them a lot. He liked them so much that they are now available on Brenden's homepage (this link is directly to the recordings). Now it may seem like shameless self promotion here, but honestly go take a listen because I think that D has a great writing style and if he liked my readings enough to put on the webpage?? In the words of Stan Lee .... 'NUFF SAID!

And then today at work, something miraculous happened that I am going to have be paying back for a long time not because I have to. A friend of mine was telling me about a local radio show that runs on Friday nights (that I didn't know about) and they had a call in to win tickets contest. So, he calls. He wins. He puts the two tickets for this Friday night in my name. Why? Because he had already seen them and hung out with ...... The Dresden Dolls! That's right babies, I finally get to see one of the most exciting punk/cabaret acts that rock my ears and eyes. I still can't believe he did this for me, but I'm going to see the Dresden's for FREE!!!! and this Friday!! I do appologise in advance to the Skyman for not seeing him Friday night....and hope that he understands. Now, I have to go and clean my pants because I just wet them again with excitement. That makes the 5th time in the last hour.

So that's the skinny and the poop on the scoop you hipcats and wild women. Now this groovecat daddio is gonna put his to pedulations up in the air to scope out the visual delights of A Prairie Home Companion movie.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Home little Fan?

So the only people that will get the title of my post here are friends that did Christmas Carol with me but...

I'm back...it's late...I have to be at work in 4 hours?

sigh....I am missin everyone and everything out on the East Coast right now. But I made it home safe and sound and there will be much blogging and pictures (only the clean ones so sorry but I'll find a way to direct y'all to the dirty ones *giggle*)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

And away we go

Very brief note kittens. I'm about to embark on a fantastic journey here, full of wonderment and excitement. I probably won't have the chance to write until Monday here so....

Just know that you are all loved kittens. Each and every one of ya. If I had everyone's adresses, I would attempt to send at least a card from my travels. Although I'm not sure how whirlwind this might become...so this shall have to surfice.

Love and light to you all. I'll be thinking about you guys and ladies (yes Ladies) and I'll try and post as many pictures as possible or just direct it all to some other site where you can see what my camera-eye saw....well mostly ;)

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

One day more....

It's almost here. Matter of fact, I have about 12 hours before I should think about heading up to the SFO to check in. I haven't packed.

Way it stands right now kittens? Well I figure I got two options. I can lay down and take a nap..a long nap, and wake up get everything done and stay up all night. Or, I could always just go to bed around 8pm and set my alarm for "oh my god that's hella fuckin early" o'clock and drive up to SFO. Not entirely sure which I wanna do.

Crap....realization that I still have to go back to the shop one last time tonight and get orders ready for tomorrow so my boss doesn't have to worry about that. Well that and pick up some coffee for the trip. Yes my fellow bloggers....should I ever arrive in your fair city to see you on vacation, there's coffee a' comin!

Lately I've been trying to record my friend D's blog about my little nephew Brenden for shits and giggles. Guess I know why I downloaded Audacity now hehe. Well, I thought that they turned out ok, so I took a copy over to D's last night and he really seems to have liked them. This in and of itself has made me a very VERY happy camper. I swear I would be lost without folks like the fam and D & H in my life. Cause ya know what kittens? It sure as hell doesn't matter if you have a mansion or you live in a shoebox. It's all bout the folks that you love, and the ones that love you that make the difference in your life.

A silly post indeed....which is "A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury and signifying...nothing." (from Billy Shakespeare's hot new MacBeth....new on NBC this fall) But hey...it's the only show in town....

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD. Be Loved!

Almost...but not quite...and is there enough time?

Right....so this post has little to no substance to it. It's simply that I don't like having a depressing-ish post left hanging up too long. Now mind you, I do get depressed, and everyone does. All of us have our own issues and ways of dealing with them...I just felt like leaving things up like that for too long is like fishing for "sympathy" comments. Well, while they are nice, it definately is not what I'm all about.

Having so said, thank you all for the comments. It's nice to know that no matter where we all are from around the globe and country, I have very dear people that care. Gushy? Mushy? Well too bad because I appreciate you all very much. So there....take that....neener ;)

Two days time. I have two days to get everything ready to fly out to New Jersey and here I sit typing away. EEK! There's laundry to be done, packing, a few last minute items I want to buy for the trip, oh....and of course there's work. Goddess keep my brain functional! (did I mention I am feeling back to my pagan roots again latey babies? Well it's true) I have some of the things done, but two days seems to fly by me in a flurry like a swarm of gnats that suddenly fling themselves out of your way.

Am I excited? You bet your sweet bippy I am! (and if you don't know what a bippy is...ask) I haven't ever seen New Jersey or New York or the East Coast really. I have three days to be as wild as I want to be, go out on a weeknight drinking and clubbing, and possibly see an honest to god Broadway production!!! It's a little overwhelming to some degree. And yes, there is the camera as my constant companion and I hope that I don't look too much like a psycho-paparazzi while I'm there. I'm not really interested in seeing the typical stuff like the Empire State Building or the Statue of Liberty. Truthfully, I think that sounds a little dull to me. Now Central Park? You bet! The same for seeing Broadway all lit up at night....and Time Square.

So, if I don't get around to writing in the next couple of days, I will do my best to leave one last post before I head out on Thursday. The chronicals of this might expidition will be eventually posted with pictures...just not the incriminating ones. (this means that I will not post pictures of myself running down the street wearing nothing but a smile and my boxer shorts on my head)


Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!

Issues

I should be alseep by now. I really should but I had two cups of double shorts at work tonight. Probably a bad idea because I'm feeling tired, but not sleepy, just fatigued slightly.

Have you ever had one of those wierd mood swings where you suddenly find yourself with issues? You know what I'm talking about...you started thinking about one thing and the next thing you know you're mind has raced over 100,000 different places and all of them are issue making. That's me right now. I think I need to coin a new term for this though because ya know, it's not depression...it's more like dissatisfication. Maybe it's a general malaise.

Ok, well I'm here anyways why not go the whole nine yards eh? I've had issue revolving around my dad who's been dead now for 10 years. Things that crop up from time to time. The worst of them is the idea of turning into him. It's not that he was a bad person, it's just that I said I would never lead that kind of life. He went to work, came home and watched tv, repeat until the weekend when he did little to nothing and the whole thing started up again. I SWORE I wouldn't become like that. And I look at my life... and here I am the guy that goes to work, comes home, repeat, on the weekend does little to nothing, repeat. I'm having a really hard time breaking this pattern. And yeah, it scares me because I'm not old. I should be running around with friends to bars or clubs or dancing or something it seems. Still....stuck like a piece of toffee in a cavity!

I keep thinking about all the things I should have done up to this point in my life. Not like saving money type stuff, just general things that I now feel like I lost the oppertunity forever to do. I should have been that wildcat guy 20 years ago who went out and got shloshy at gay bars making out with people he didn't know. And to "go there", I should have had lots of terrific sex..or even mediocre sex. Should have learned the way to go out and meet folks and date...blah blah blah. Grrrr. Now it feels like it's "too late" and I start hearing my dad's voice in my head. He constantly would say things like "Nobody wants me because I'm so old." Well that scares me too because the gay culture seems to almost be a youth culture.

We (gay men) are seemingly force fed the idea that perfection is that 20 something twink who's always looking like he just stepped out of some damn photo shoot. Well what about us average folk huh?

In Torch Song Trilogy, Arnold says "I think my biggest problem is being young and beautiful. It's my biggest problem because I've never been young and beautiful. Oh, I've been beautiful, and God knows I've been young, but never the twain have met."

Therein lies the problem. I know what he's talking about. It's like I mispent my youth and you can't go back and do it over again. If you try, you wind up looking ridiculous...well you can. Maybe that's just part of growing up? Damn this whole aging process hehe. I swear, I try to do the Merlin thing and age backwards but I'm afraid I'm not doing it physically. Still, I do think it's important to keep a youthfull aspect to life. Hell...when I'm 80 I don't want to be the guy shuffling across the street with a walker. I want to be that really old guy that veritably skips across the street with a major bounce in his step! (and I plan on it too babies)

Maybe I just need to get that out. Don't know. Not sure what my issue is tonight, but I wish they would just dissipate so I could get on with life and forget all this shit in my head. Goddess willing, with work that I am planning since getting back into my pagan roots...maybe all this negative thinking will be banished once and for all. In the meantime, it's nice to know I can hear my little sister's voice in my head saying "Oh get over it!" and it makes me smile and chuckle a bit.

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

My family....or part one

So I want to talk about my sista....my little sister. She who is amazing to me because I've known her now for over 10 years and she has just grown by leaps and bounds and I love her to death. What brought this on? Well, I have a picture of her from Folsom and I wanted her permission first of all before I posted it. She said yes, and here she is...looking fierce and hot between two Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence....my sweet little Delirium herself


Yeah....she's a sexy bitch (and she knows it!). I don't often talk enough about the folks that are my family so here goes. And if this bores you, too damn bad cause I love me some my little sister so shut the hell up (hehe).

I met her waaaaaay back years ago when I was doing theater. I was an actor, sound designer, set constrution, tech director, sometimes light or sound operator, and even directed a few summer shows (ok they were only 30 minute shows but they all went over really well...least I think they did). Her parents are the most amazing people who are just as warm and loving as she is. They would invite the entire cast over for a big pasta dinner after the final performance of any given show..well that's how I remember it at least.

So over the years I got to know Deli better and we share a lot of similar things in terms of religion, philosophies, what guy is hot hehe...and most importantly to me, she let me be myself 100%. If I wanted to be a big ol' queen, she was right there with me on it. If I wanted to discuss the faerie folk, she'd put in her advice and comments and never laughed at me. She'll kick my ass when I need it too, and she's not afraid to do it. (another reason why I love her so much)

So what you may ask. Big deal? Well honeys, this woman is amazing because she started her own face painting and makeup design business. Manages to cook like a mutha-fucka. Dresses up to the nines! (and here she is in her Angel costume when we went to see the opening of the movie RENT) Now she proffessed to me lately that she is a camera whore. So I thought I would surprise her by also showing that she is a diva bitch from green hell....and that's why we love her too ;)


She loves that finger...you know the one...yeah, that one that you tend to show off to family and friends at times? Kinda like this... She's also the one that in the middle of the movie Peter Pan (the latest live action one that I adored), when Peter was crying "I do believe in Faeries, I do. I do!" (and don't ask me why but it always gets to me that scene...yeah I'm a softy) handed me a thimble. Well babies, I could have just broken down in tears like a little bitch over that. Why? Cause it's what Wendy gave to Peter as a "kiss". (he gave her an acorn as a "kiss") Now and forever baby....acorns and thimbles to ya!

Well that's my sis. Last reason to love her? Cuase she is an incredibly fun bundle of energy and love and light. I couldn't live with out her, and now the world knows that too. So one or two last pictures cause I love these of her. They show off what a card she can be and I think capture a lot of her true nature.








I sure nuff do love my little Chryssaburger


and the bitch thought she'd only get one picture up here hehe

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!!

What's all this mess?

Hey! Here's my great "I don't know what to write but I realize I feel like updating the blog" blog. [Brought to you by Unmentionables. Unmentionables, for when you're feeling naughty.]

So, I keep realizing off and on that in a week I'm flying out to New Jersey. (and I know that Rey is gonna read this but...) I'm a little freaked. Why? Well, I'll be outside my enviorment essentially. I'm so friggin stuck in my patterns that even a trip up to SF seems slightly foreign to me at times. I know I'll be fine and I know I'm going to have a blast...but it's that little twindge of being in a strange place that I have no idea about that just wierds me a little bit. Still, I get to see Rey and I may even try and persuade him to go out to Kerioki and sing hehe ;) Maybe I've just forgotten what it's like to not have to worry about work and so the concept of actually relaxing a bit is just freaky? F-it! I'm leaving on a jet plane in a week and I'm gonna do up this mini vacation like no body's bi'ness!

I've been downloading, like a madman, new podcasts. Thanks to Jim I now get to listen to a really wide variety of subjects when I go out walking. I even recently found some pagan podcasts and personally...I think that's friggin righteous! So, that is my subtle way of saying thank you again to a great guy named Jim for makin me very happy indeed. Plus introducing me to new bands! (I'm lovin Jack's Mannequin and Lovedrug by the way!)

And Nathan over at Nathan Exposed asked me recently about my own podcast that I still have the concept of doing. Ok....um, my question to Dan and Adam ...when the hell do you have to time to put these together?! I have maybe 10 minutes of stuff recorded, I have an idea for what I want the show to be like, but damn it...these things take forever! Ok, so maybe it's because I want to add sound effects and have "regular" characters and...I guess I'm still envisioning my own private radio show. Just never seems to be enough time to get around to working on it and doing what I want, plus working. Oh...and needing to have a hosting site hehe. But I tell ya, I'm still planning on it. Maybe you all can tune in soon? If I can get off my lazy ass!

And while I'm being all randomfied, I just want to give a great big Congratulations! to my friend Mike over at Boys Are So Ugly But So Cute. If you're wondering why? (and if you haven't read Mike and Ryan's site...well here's your chance) There are major big changes about to happen for him and I'm just proud as hell of him and happy for them both. Sides, Mike and Ryan both kick ass in my opinion...and they're cute too ;)

Well, this was the lamest posting, and possibly most random, I think I have ever read (he says in his best Groucho Marx voice).

Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD!! Be Love!

Leather and daddies and cubs...OH MY!

Well and why the hell not. I get to be in a pretty good classification here! Bob, Oscar, Rob...and Orsen! Fun stuff but maybe I can find one picture of me where I'm actually smiling? Oish *rolling eyes*

Oh kittens. What a day what a day. I was out at the Folsom Street Faire and bumpin na...elbows with Kalvin, Jr., Big Red Dave, and of course Dan. It was great to see these guys again because I hadn't seen any of them since Pride this year (which is entirely my fault). And believe me kittens....they are a swell group to be around! (My nipples may never be the same hehe)

I also go the great opertunity to see Daniel Cartier perform, and then oddly as fate would have it, went and had some coffee with him. He has a great voice, and he's a really sweet guy. (did I mention he was hot as well?) So that started things off with a major bang for me!

I have pictures to post, but I think I'm going to see if I can do it ala Flickr. Oh...alright, there are two that I think are really worthy of being seen, and there's no nudity so ... sorry heh. So many hot guys, so little time.


Yes indeedy....my little hot gothy number made a definate show of putting his arm around his girlfriend (damn it). But hey...the guy working the corsette booth....MINE MINE MINE!












and of course there were drag queens like this little hot number

And this sexy woman that wanted to kiss me...HEY! Wait a minute, that ain't no woman...that's Miss Trixie!



Ah well...I'll leave ya with a kiss and a wave from the lovely sites of Folsom Street Faire 2006....and damn, do I have to wait an entire year for the next one?





Be safe. Be well. Be PROUD! Be Loved!