Friday

There is a mansion that I have created in my mind. A party is going on down on the first floor, guests mixing and mingly as the band plays from somewhere in a great room. Upstairs, I entertain my friends as befitting of Jay Gatsby. But further within this mansion, accessable only by myself is a set of winding stairs. Stones of grey and red, slightly luminescent lit by the moonlight flooding the windows cut into the stone wall. They wind up and up to a round turret room where I alone reside, and I alone can reach, and I alone am allowed. This is my house in my mind and at night I stare out into the stars, the darkness filled with twinkling lights and the gaze of the moon. A soft glow through the darkness being that I am higher than the lights of the town, or the house can reach. It is my innersanctum where I muse, and ponder, and question.

I went to see MirrorMask tonight and I thought it was brilliant. It's still resonating with me even now almost an hour later. The journey there that started off poorly though. I felt I was being laughed at by my friend D. A few course words were tossed by me his way. I snapped at H as well for no good reason. Luckily dinner improved things slightly and all was well by the time we sat for the movie.

I become lost in films. Nothing exists for me but the screen and the story unfolding before my eyes. I do not talk during a film. I will not answer during a film. I'm held in it's magikal embrace for the course of an hour and a half or more. It is one of the few times I can simply be, sitting there in the dark where no one can see if tears fill my eyes, or wonder. It is for me alone even if I am with friends.

But now, I sit alone in my turret, gazing out into the night wishing that as she had run her fingers through his hair lovingly, her hand had been mine. Wondering if I will ever find a place where I am allowed this simple action. Feeling that I will never know more than my turret and my thoughts. I can lock myself away for days on end here, coming out briefly for food, or to nod to the guests in the main part of the mansion and smiling at them. I will ask if they are enjoying themselves and wish them well and mean it. Still, I find myself back again in my turret brooding and staring deeply into the night sky looking for answers and solice.

My life is not horrible. It is far from it because I know that I have those that truly care and love me. Still, I find myself locking myself away in my turret where no one may touch me. The stone walls are cool and comfortingly safe to me. I need not hide anything here. Below, I have to find a facade at times to make sure that none of the guest even remotely guess at my true mood. My friends may have access to my mind, but only so far and then I must retreat within myself finally to search for answers. It is quiet here, and peaceful.